The 2017
Brutally Honest Awards
Wow! We have (almost)
made it to the end of the year and we are still alive!
As has been tradition here, our last article for the year is dedicated to
noting the best of the best and the worst of the worst, and sometimes the other
stuff that must be said that has happened during the past 12 months. This list is not in any order, and, as
always, the only person that is determining what is the best or worst is yours
truly. There is no judging panel or committee. It’s pure speculation and opinion from a clearly-noted
commentator as guaranteed under the First Amendment of the United States
Constitution. (Just in
case Anthony Scarmucci and/or his shyster lawyers are reading this. They seem to have a
hard time telling the difference between journalism and commentary.)
So here we go...
The Worst Person of 2017: President Donald Trump
– Get used to seeing his name, and you should not be surprised to see it right
off the bat.
To those who expected Trump to somehow change and become some kind of
humble and practical statesman simply because he was elected to the highest
public office in America and be the leader of a not-so-free nation, you should
have known better. As I noted in
my first article of the year, I try to give every incoming president the
opportunity to be the better person, to actually be the kind of president that
America needs and deserves.
It took George W. Bush four years to piss away my optimism. It took Barack Obama six months.
Donald Trump did not last twenty-four hours. His insistence that his inauguration was the
biggest ever – “period” – in defiance of photographic evidence to the contrary,
combined with him bringing a cheering crowd to accompany him to visit the CIA,
shows that he is every bit the narcissistic self-promoting clown act that
people feared he would be. What you saw
of Trump in “The Apprentice” wasn’t an exaggerated made-for-TV personality. That was him.
Every time the media gave him an out, complimenting him for something
that should otherwise be par for the office, every time someone in the media
would say “now the president is being presidential”, Trump would ruin that
moment with a Twitter-tantrum and a quick bash of the very media that
complimented him. And if it wasn’t him,
then it was his surrogates and enablers, and I’m not even talking about the
propaganda mill over at Fox News and the talk radio gang.
His obsessivecompulsive fixation to erase everything connected to Barack
Obama makes me wish there was someone telling Trump which parts of the White
House that Obama touched just to see Trump attack it with a sledgehammer like
some Looney Toons character. In fact,
his “planned renovation” combined with the rumored comment of the White House
being “a
dump” could suggest that his obsessive hatred of Obama is that comedically
extreme.
The Second Worst Person in 2017: North Korea’s Kim
Jong Un, aka “Panda Bear” – I’m sure the Panda Bear is
pissed at America right now, because there is only room for one unstable and
spoiled narcissistic man-child, and now it’s not him! I’m sure that has to be really grating on him
to know that Trump can out-crazy him and be an even bigger embarrassment to the
world scene. That’s probably why he’s
been taunting the world to nuke his sorry ass with his missile “tests” and his
bombastic rhetoric. It’s a little hard
to get what you want when you’re up against someone that can match him in the
“small hands” department.
The Third Worst Person in 2017 (huge tie): Harvey
Weinstein, American Ayatollah Roy Moore, Kevin Spacey, Senator Al Franken,
Brett Ratner, Oliver Stone, Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly, former President Bill
Clinton, Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, and President Donald Trump
– You know why, even if most of you will never admit to it.
The Biggest Loser Of 2017: The Whole World
– Between the Narcissist-in-Chief, the sociopathic GOP-dominated Congress, and
the deranged Panda Bear on the other side of the Pacific, I don’t know if we’ll
even survive to 2020, never mind 2024. We probably should all be researching how to
build a fallout shelter and stockpiling on survival gear and ready-made food.
The Biggest Winner of 2017: Russian President and strongman
Vladimir Putin – Even if you discount the alleged
manipulation of the 2016 Farce, even if you discount all the claims of
collusion with Trump’s cult leaders, even if you discount any connection to
cyber-hacking and cyber-sabotage and just took the former KBG thug at face
value, you’d have to admit that Putin still comes out on top on the global
stage. All he has to do is let everyone
else screw up as they have been doing.
Trump makes America and Europe look bad.
Kim Jong makes China look bad and Japan look weak. Putin can prance around shirtless and still
rack up an easy win.
The “Shut The Hell Up And Go The Hell Away” Award for
2017: Hillary Rodham Clinton – No, seriously. You
need to go away. You don’t want to
acknowledge that you screwed up in a presidential election that was literally
hand-picked for you to win. You
literally owned the dominant political party that handed you the
nomination. And I mean “owned” like it
was bought on eBay! You had the media
all but swearing you in before the November election. You had all of that going for you and you still
managed to screw it up.
And that is on you, Mrs. Clinton. Not
Trump, not Putin, not Bernie Sanders, not the DNC, not the Internet, not Fox
News. You. Hillary Rodham Clinton. This is on you. You need to stop trying to blame it on
everything and everyone other than yourself and just go the hell away.
You want to help the nation, Mrs. Clinton? Help it by going away.
The “You Need To Go Away Too” Award for 2017: House
Minority Leader And Major Failure Nancy Pelosi – How
bad is the ineptitude of Nancy Pelosi?
She is so inept that voters everywhere except in her district are voting
her out of office! When Democrats
challenge the GOP contenders in special elections, they don’t lose because they
ran bad campaigns. They lose because the
GOP would make their elections about Nancy Pelosi. It would be *her face*
plastered on big-money election commercials, and *her name* bantered about in
mailings.
Pelosi’s name and face are so toxic to America that voters in Alabama are
on the verge of electing a suspected child sex predator over the man that
prosecuted members of the Klu Klux Klan!
Think about that! Voters would
rather vote for a suspected child predator over a celebrated prosecutor to be
in the United States Senate, simply
because that prosecutor is being connected to *you*, Congresswoman Pelosi!
Take the hint, madam, and go away!
And take Hillary with you!
The Fastest Turnover In The Cult of Trump for 2017:
Anthony Scaramucci – There have been people that have
come and gone through the White House, sometimes even before their business
cards can be printed. I have seen
nominees un-nominate themselves just days after it came out they did something
stupid. I remember when former governor
John Sununu ended up being shoved out of his job as White House Chief of Staff
under Bush Senior. Smart man. No joke.
Member of MENSA. I actually met
him once. But he wasn’t smart enough to
avoid a few screw-ups that led him to be “asked to resign” (in other
words, fired) in 1991.
But Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, you take the cannoli.
Bad enough that you go in to replace the bullied and besieged Sean Spicer
as White House Communications Director, but you end up getting
fired in just ten days, even before your position was supposed to be
“official”! You force Reince Priebus to
resign as Chief of Staff, you pick a fight with Trump’s mad-monk advisor Steve
Bannon, and you expect people to accept that you’re the “voice” of Trump?
You’ve been on TV, sir, so you know this simple unwritten rule: you do
not upstage the talent! And guess
what? Trump is the talent, not you.
Of course he’s not done picking fights.
Some people are like that. They
just don’t know when to stop. If Tony
Soprano were alive, he’d be calling “The Mooch” up and tell him “’ey, tone it
down, alright? You’s giving us a bad
name ‘ere.”
The Most Deserving of Sympathy Under Trump in 2017:
Sean Spicer – This was the guy that went from being
the GOP press secretary to being Trump’s Press Secretary, to White House
Communications Director *and* Press Secretary, to being the punchline for
Saturday Night Live... and played by a woman.
And you have to feel sorry for the man.
There have been times where he looked like he was just trying make Trump
look good, and he was being bullied all the way by his boss and his coworkers,
and criticized by the very media that he was hostile to. I’m surprised he didn’t lose it at some
point. I half-expected him to either
have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown, and, given whom he was working for,
we really wouldn’t have known the difference.
Stutter, drool, collapse... “Uh, was that the President’s feelings on this
or are you just making it up as you go along?”
Here’s how bad things were for him: picture being the only Roman Catholic
in the bunch and you are not brought along for a once-in-a-lifetime meet with
the leader of the Roman Catholic Church!
Thankfully Pope
Francis invited Spicer to see him after he left the White House. Then again, that’s Pope Francis. Far better world leader than Trump. Far better!
The Early Quitter Award for 2017: Keith Olbermann
– For the past year, Keith has been doing his online rants through GQ, criticizing
President Trump and his cult at every opportunity, but mostly focusing on the
investigation about Russia. He has been
fixated on the ongoing investigation and who is involved and who could be
indicted and whether or not Trump would pardon himself or pardon anyone over
Russia. He’s been more fixated on this singular
subject than Fox News has for years on Hillary and Benghazi.
But now, suddenly, Olbermann
has decided that it’s “over”.
Trump, he believes, is toast.
There is nothing more that needs to be said. Every option that Trump would have, according
to Olbermann, leads to either indictment, impeachment, conviction, resignation,
or a removal from office under the 25th Amendment. (Go ahead and Google it.)
So that’s it, Olbermann says. He’s
done. Trump is done. Game over.
This time online has been trying on him, and he is, thankfully, done
with it. The whole thing. Political commentary. Olbermann is out.
I’m guessing the book
sales haven’t been too good, right Keith?
Here’s a hint: conservative groups buy their propaganda material by the
bulk, but it still counts as if individuals buy them. Ann Coulter could write a book just listing
the ingredients off an oatmeal can, give a liberal-trashing title to it, and it
would still sell in record numbers for that reason alone. Catching on yet?
My problem with Olbermann’s rationality is that he’s jumping the gun on
Trump. Those in government are never
easily taken down, and now that Trump is part of the government, they’re not
going to let him go until *they* decide they can’t keep him around.
How many times did the GOP write off Bill Clinton? Even after the impeached him, he still stayed
in the White House. Remember Bush Junior? When the GOP ran things, the Democrats kept
on talking impeachment, but as soon as they took over the Congress in 2007,
nothing. When the GOP took control of
Congress, they suddenly stopped talking about impeaching Obama.
So, I’m sorry the commentary has been trying on you, Keith. It’s trying on me and I’ve been at this for
over two decades now. But be honest
about why you’re calling it quits, Keith.
The game is only over for Trump when he really is out of office, not
just because you decide it is.
The One Most Missed in 2017: Hugh Hefner
– The founder of Playboy Magazine and the creator of the Playboy brand passed
away in September. But I really
don’t mourn for the passing of the man as I miss the man that he used to
be. The Hugh Hefner that would know and
spell out the difference between appreciating women and preying on them. The man that supported women’s rights. The man that did more for Hollywood in
preserving its history than anyone in the major studios. The man that literally made James Bond a
household name and gave us women like Jenny McCarthy, Pam Anderson, Bettie Paige,
Jayne Mansfield, Cynthia Myers, Claudia Jennings, Kathy Shower, Erica Eleniak,
and Shannon Tweed.
I’ve come to know that Hugh Hefner from not only his publication, but
also from the friends that I have come to know over the years that also knew
him the most. I miss that Hugh Hefner. I
wish I could have met that man in person.
The One Least Missed In 2017: Charlie Manson
– The crazy king of crazy is dead. And
the only good thing to say about the man is that he’s dead. Good!
The Best Superhero Movie of 2017: “Wonder Woman” –
Come on, did you really think I was going to say “Justice League”? Not even “Guardians of the
Galaxy, Vol. 2” could match Wonder Woman’s solo film debut! Director Patty Jenkins and star Gal Gadot gave
the DC Cinematic Universe its first uncontested win against the almighty
Disney-owned Marvel and it encouraged Warner Brothers to make that needed “pivot”
for future movies. No more dark and
angsty. More color, more optimism, and
more heroism.
Now if only they can fire the idiot at Warner Brothers that chopped key
segments from “Justice League” just to “save time”. That person really needs to go.
The “A-for-Effort” Award for Superhero Movies in 2017
(tie): “Justice League” and “Spider-Man: Homecoming” –
“Justice League” is far from perfect, but it did exceed expectations and it did
redeem Zach Snyder for the
failings of “Batman v. Superman”. “Spider-Man: Homecoming”,
on the other hand, thankfully did not re-tell the origin story like previous incarnations
did. But it also gave a lukewarm
performance with a “meh” ending.
Oh, and don’t worry, these superhero movies will be reviewed in due time
over at “Hero Corner”.
The Failed-To-Deliver Award in 2017: All the Successors
to “City of Heroes” – It’s been five years since fans
of the beloved “City of Heroes” MMORPG were left orphaned by the managerial
ineptitude of NCSoft, and while there have been plans to create the so-called “spiritual
successors”, none of them have yet to materialize outside of one alpha
test. Come on, tech companies! “Champions Online” is mired in lockbox fetishes. “DC Universe Online” is too confusing for
users. We need our online heroes!
The “Goddamned Son-of-a-Bitch” Award for 2017: NCSoft
– Bad enough that NCSoft shut down “City of Heroes” five years ago. This year they turned around and resurrected
Statesman, the iconic superhero from CoH, and put him in their new “Master X Master” arena
game. But, wait, wasn’t Statesman dead
long before they shut down the MMORPG? Yes,
but they came up with a half-assed story to justify it. It’s not “really” Statesman. It’s his Praetorian counterpart, Tyrant, that
decided to become Statesman.
Why am I telling you this? Because
NCSoft decided to shut down “Master x Master”. The game shuts down at the end of January 2018. Their gross incompetence and ineptitude
rivals that of the Democratic Party! They
can’t even support their own creations for more than six months now.
And finally...
The Biggest Screwjob in America for 2017: The GOP Tax
Plan – I honestly cannot believe that the GOP-ruled Senate
finally pulled one off. They
couldn’t fix healthcare, they have no idea how to work with the House to
pass a stupid budget, but apparently they could finagle their way to getting a
tax bill passed in the dead of night with
hand-scribbled additions that they can’t even read. Of course, given that it benefits their
billionaire owners, we really should not be surprised that this would be the
one major thing they could get done.
It should also be to no surprise that they would justify this giveaway
with the biggest lie they have ever told in their corrupt sociopathic
lives.
“If you give billionaires a tax cut, they’ll take the money and invest it
in the workplace!”
Right, and “if you give homeless people money, they’ll just spend it on
drugs and booze.” And “Obama wasn’t born in America but Ted Cruz was”. And “9/11 was an inside job”. And “there’s a secret sex
dungeon full of kids in the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement”. And “oral sex is not sex”. And “the Moon landing was fake”. And “the
Earth is flat”. And “the
Las Vegas mass-shooting was fake”.
No, seriously, there are people who believe all these things. To quote the LEGO Joker: “Probably worth a Google”.
And let’s get brutally honest here... why should anyone be surprised at
what the GOP under President Donald Trump and his ready-made red-hat-wearing
MAGA cultists are doing? It’s not like
any of these things are secrets! It’s not
like we didn’t know that these things were going to happen or at least be
brought up. They flaunt these things
online and in the propaganda mills and the Sunday Morning talk circuit and in
their various books and fake documentaries.
They own the White House, they own the Congress, they are owning the
courts, and they have at least until the 2018 Mid-Term hoax to do whatever the
hell they want. So, really, the only
thing that can stop them from carrying out each-and-every one of their
political fantasies is their own inevitable incompetence.
Well I think I’ve given enough rants to hold out until January of 2018,
don’t you think? Hopefully there will
still be a world to rant about by then, but given we have President “small
hands” here in America and Kim Jong “small hands” in North Korea, we can’t
really take that for granted anymore.
Stay safe, everyone, and hopefully we’ll be back in 2018. Nukes pending, of course.
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