Monday, November 17, 2014

Week of 11/17/2014

Kim Kardashian Will Never Break The Internet
You know what I really hate?  Over-inflated pompous declarations that are hyped up in the media.
This is the ongoing beef that I have with the Huffington Post, because they are worse at it than even Fox News.  They get some Democrat to offer up a rebuttal against something a conservative says, and the HuffPo people then splash that on their front page with a banner saying “So-and-So Completely Obliterates Conservative Claim”, even though the rebuttal in question is about as scalding as ice water.
The latest ego-centered over-inflated pompous declaration concerns the overexposed media that is Kim Kardashian.
Yes, “that” Kim.
The one with the sex tape and the ongoing series and spin-offs on E! Television and married to the music star and the family that is more surreal than “The Surreal Life”.
“That” Kim.
It seems the media that is Kim Kardashian has posed for some fashion-slash-pop-culture publication called “Paper”, which, I’m guessing, is published someplace called “Building”, and sold in exchange for something called “Money”.  The cover image was the photographer’s recreation of an earlier masterpiece, where champagne unrealistically flows from a held bottle to a glass perfectly balanced on the model’s rear.
But that apparently was just the tip of the media iceberg, as the media that is Kim Kardashian then proceeds to remove the shimmering evening gown she was wearing to reveal her curvy well-tanned-and-oiled naked rear, and later show her equally curvy well-tanned-and-oiled naked front.
“Paper” then released the tamer cover image with the title “Break The Internet Kim Kardashian”.  It’s then mirrored in social media as “Kim Kardashian Will Break The Internet”.  This is then followed by HuffPo’s declaration that “Kim Kardashian Will Definitely Break The Internet With Her Nude Paper Magazine Cover”.
I’m sorry but… no.
No, the media that is Kim Kardashian can never live up to that claim.
Let’s get brutally honest here… Kim Kardashian and her media can never, ever, “break the Internet”, no matter how many times she decides to pose naked and flaunt her very curvy well-tanned-and-oiled body around.  She could spend the rest of her time doing nothing but that, and it still wouldn’t “break the Internet”.
Oh, and by the way, I’m not the one that is knocking the fact that she posed nude for this magazine.  I’m disappointed that she didn’t show this much eagerness when she posed for Playboy way back when, and I think that Hugh Hefner would have to be senile if he isn’t on the phone with Kim’s people right now to get her to pose for Playboy again.  I actually like the pictures and how she looks in them.
What I take offense with are the over-exaggerated claims that anyone like the media that is Kim Kardashian, or her music husband, or her family, could ever “break the Internet”.  I don’t care how many fans you have on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat; you can never be so self-aggrandizing that your actions could “break” this medium.  You are simply not that powerful.
I get equally bothered by all of the self-appointed “mean girls” that decide to hijack an infinitely short-lived subject to express their neo-feminist-slash-femdom beliefs.  And, yes, that includes all the pseudo-“funny guys” who think it’s cool to Photoshop a guy’s head on Kim’s well-toned-and-oiled body.  Those so-called “funny guys” need to Photoshop their heads onto the anus of a donkey, because that is what they really are when they pull that sort of crap… they are the ass of an ass!
The women that get all pissy about the media that is Kim Kardashian also need to get their heads out of their own anuses.  I get that you are not the media that is Kim Kardashian.  I get that you do not have and probably will never have that kind of body, never mind one that is oiled up and well-tanned and then enhanced by Photoshop.  But your own jealousy over what you can never have does not automatically entitle you to castigate the media that is Kim Kardashian and condemn her and her media for showing off what she has and built up.  I happen to be friends with some actual Playboy Playmates – no joke – and I know that it takes some effort to keep up that kind of body.  Not everything is Photoshop.  And don’t tell me that I “don’t know what it’s like” either, because I’ve actually been on both sides of the photographer’s camera.
I’m also annoyed by the person who thinks that he or she can create 3D models to prove it’s supposedly “unrealistic” that the media that is Kim Kardashian can pull off the pose.  This is the same loser that harassed Marvel Comics over their variant cover of Spider-Woman #1.  Tell you what, cyber-fake, your credibility was already shot when a real-live model successfully replicated the Milo Manara image.  Now you want to get all pompous and self-serving over a photo cover that was clearly Photoshopped?  Take your “precious” iPad and go back to art school and maybe even learn a thing or two before trying to replicate other peoples’ works with your daddy’s CAD software.
Actress Alyssa Milano decided to hijack the over-inflated hype by whining that her breastfeeding photos were treated with “hate” but supposedly there was no “hate” over the media that is Kim Kardashian.  Um, excuse me, Ms. Milano, but you were the one getting all huffy before because people were posting pictures of your breasts back when you used to show them on video, and then you turn around and post pics of those same breasts feeding your baby.  Maybe it has less to do with what some other pop-media personality is doing and more to do with your double-standard when it comes to your own body.  And, besides, did you actually look for the reactions to the media that is Kim Kardashian, or did you simply adopt the Fox News and Talk Radio method of screaming “persecution” and then hoping the truth will validate it?
As for the rest of the world… no, the media that is Kim Kardashian can never “break” the Internet.  You’re talking about a media based on a whole family that live their lives on Entertainment Television and TMZ!  They couldn’t “break” the Internet even if they wanted to.  They need it to survive!
But do you know what can “break” the Internet?
Big corporations that believe they are “too big to care”.  Telco providers that feel they are entitled to fleece their customer base like sheep and give them non-existent service while screaming bloody murder at common sense concepts like Net Neutrality.  Corrupt politicians that have been bought and paid for by those same big corporations to keep their amoral sociopathic practices intact in the name of god-dammed profits.  Info-brokers that feel entitled to collect every single piece of information about who we are and where we are and what we are doing at all times so they can sell our lives to the government and to advertisers for a big fat profit.  Anonymous hackers that feel entitled to steal every piece of information that these info-brokers hoard on our lives and then use that information to ruin our lives.  All of these groups can and are doing their best to truly “break” the Internet that we’ve come to know all these years.
But I suspect that none of them would look good both and in and out of a shimmering evening gown as the media that is Kim Kardashian.  Never mind appear on the cover of a magazine called “Paper”.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Week of 11/10/2014

Dems Won’t Do The Right Thing, Which Is Why They Are Losers
Well the 2014 Mid-Term Elections are over with and, true to form, the politically-retarded voters once again failed to do their bit to bring about the change that they claim they want.  They once again surrendered to the old scam that says that if one dominant political party just had a little more power in government over the other dominant political party that things would “get better”.
It sort of reminds me of the story of two strippers that would try to vie for the attentions of a sad and lonely repeat customer, each of them seducing him and promising him the time of his life if only he would spend all his money on one of them.  Of course the “time of his life” was just a figure of speech.  They would never give him what he truly needed or wanted, no matter how much money he had to spend on them.  It’s an even sadder and pathetic tale for me because I used to be that customer.
So now the voters – both those that bothered to vote and those that were too retarded to even bother voting but still “voted” by their absence – have made their choices and we all will have to live with their choices and I will remind them that they are to blame for their choices and the future misery and frustrations that will follow from their choices.
But that doesn’t mean that the players themselves in this continual con-game are completely blameless.  It’s one thing to give it your best and fail.  It is another thing entirely to be simply the “fallback choice”, which is what the Democrats have become.
Let’s get brutally honest here… the Democratic Party, the so-called “Party of Jefferson”, has become a sad and pathetic shell of a political party that serves as the perpetual “fallback choice” when the GOP becomes too arrogant, too incompetent, too corrupt, and/or too fascistic.  And it really doesn’t take much for the GOP to be either of those.
Sure, the Dems have their special interest groups, and that’s apparently just enough to keep themselves relevant and hold on to some modicum of political power.  But that’s like calling yogurt a three-course meal.  All the other times, they’re just waiting for the GOP to screw up, or to have some kind of charismatic leader step up for them to follow.  It’s no wonder why they’ve been losing over and over again!
I’ve often referred to the two parties as a duopoly, but really what we have is one dominant fascistic party with an enabling co-dependent “alternative” whose only purpose in this universe now is to simply keep the seats of power warm for the GOP when they get off their fascism high.  That is what we really have in the United States.
So how do you change that?
Obviously the first way to change that would be to replace the Dems with a new party.  But that would require the voting masses to stop choosing to be retards and actually vote for the change that they want, and that’s not likely to ever happen.
So if the Democrats want to stop being losers, if they want to stop the slow bleed of their own credibility, then they have to take some concrete steps on their own to change things.
Let’s start with a very dramatic acknowledgement that they need to fix things with the resignations of House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and soon-to-be-Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid from their respective failed leadership positions in Congress.  They don’t have to leave Congress, but they certainly should step down from their so-called “leadership” positions.  These two joined President Obama as the poster children of Washington failure as painted by the GOP and Fox News and talk radio, and they need to accept responsibility for their part in the failure.
There’s good precedence for this: back in 1998, it was House Speaker Newt Gingrich that accepted responsibility for the GOP’s failure to cement their dominance in the Congress and stepped down.  Of course there were some other factors that were in play behind-the-scenes, but just the act of Gingrich stepping down was a public sign that the party hierarchy was aware of their failure and wanted things to change.
That is precisely what the Democrats need to do if they want to survive and not just be a perpetual failure machine waiting for the GOP to screw up just so they can get a nudge ahead.  Pelosi and Reid need to step down and let others take over their minority status and take the burdens.  They can keep their cushy overrated election positions with their undeserving lifetime pensions; they just need to stop being the poster models for perpetual stagnant failure.
Of course, I don’t see that happening anytime soon.  Pelosi and Reid refuse to admit they did anything wrong, never mind recognize that they’ve been scripted by Fox News and talk radio to be part of the “Trio of Evil” along with Obama.  Pelosi didn’t acknowledge her own failure when she lost control of the House in 2010, she hasn’t admitted to any kind of failing since then, and I don’t see her doing anything different in the near future.  And Reid only seems to care about his own cushy seniority, so as long as he can count on his loyal group of political retards to keep him in office, I also don’t see him doing anything different now that he’s going from Majority to Minority Leader.
This is why the Democratic Party will continue to be the party of losers.  They don’t look at the big picture when it comes to voter dissatisfaction.  They’re only focusing on their own special interest groups and their own elected positions and expecting the GOP to self-destruct so they won’t have to put up anything that shows they care about what’s going on in the country.  The GOP plans and agendas may suck and they may be destructive in the long-run, but they’ve managed to convince the politically retarded that they’re the only ones with a plan, and the Dems have not done anything to change that opinion.
But, then again, this is what you, the great self-retarded voting masses, voted for this past election, isn’t it?

Monday, November 3, 2014

Week of 11/03/2014

Want Change? Then Stop Being A Political Retard!
Before we get any further, I’m sure you’ll notice that I’m using a word that the “politically correct” crowd will throw screaming fits over.  They will claim that I have “no right” to use that word; that it is insulting and demeaning to a certain group of people.  They can go to hell, because the word is correct and appropriate for the people that I will be talking about.  And if they have a problem with it, then they are ones as well.
That word is “retard”.
This column will be posted twenty-five hours away from the start of the 2014 Mid-Term Elections.  Year after year, I have been telling people that if they don’t like how the system is, if they don’t like what is going on in Washington, if they don’t like the gridlock and the pompous self-serving posturing, that they have to do something about it.  They have to actually vote for the change that they want.
Time and time again, I have argued, pleaded, reasoned, lectured, and scolded people as to what needs to be done.  Time and time again, it has seemingly gone in one ear and out the other with these same people.  Election after election, nothing really changes too much.  It just gets worse and worse and people keep on wringing their hands and gnashing their teeth and wondering why that is.
And then I realized what the real problem is…
The real problem is not the corrupt politicians we keep on sending back to office.  It’s not the rigged gerrymandered system that is more crooked than a 3-Card Monty convention.  It’s not the special interest groups in K-Street and C-Street that have turned America into a kleptocratic oligarchy with their oodles of “soft money” that allows them to buy and sell politicians like Wall Street stock and crank out slanderous ads that essentially are “hate porn”.
No, they’re not the real problem.
The problem is you!
Yes, you!
If you’re someone who complains about how screwed up government is, but then doesn’t vote in any of the elections, then you are the real problem!
If you are one of the multitudes that complain endlessly about the politicians in Washington and the various state capitals and then continue to vote for your own incumbents to those same places, then you are the real problem!
If you are one of the multitudes that agree, support, whine, demand, and scream for third party options, that sign countless petitions and agree in polls that call for a third party, and then turn around and refuse to vote for those same third party options when they are on your ballot, claiming that they can “never win” and that you “need” to vote for “the lesser of two evils”, then you are the real problem!
If you are one of the multitudes that moronically think that the “real problem” is simply one dominant political party doesn’t have enough power over the system to supposedly “fix” all of the things that they never got around to fixing before even when they had that power, then you are the real problem!
If you are one of the multitudes that think that there have always been two dominant political parties – and only these two specific dominant political parties – since the creation of the United States, then you are the real problem!
If you are one of the multitudes that demand change, that scream for change, that claim to want something to be done to fix the problems with this messed-up failing Raubwirtschaft of a nation, but then does absolutely nothing to support those that truly push for change when all you have to do is something as simple as vote for that change, then you – each and every stinking one of you – are the real problem!
And I am through trying to reach out to you.  I am through trying to appeal to your better judgment.  I am through trying to appeal to your sense of reason or sanity.  I am through with you.
The old saying goes that you can’t fix stupid, but I have discovered that the vast majority of you aren’t stupid.  You’re worse than stupid. 
You are political retards.
And, let’s get brutally honest here… being a political retard is even worse than someone who is actually suffering from diminished mental capacity, because at least the people that used to be written off as being “retards” still try to do better.  They still strive to keep up with what they have.
But you political retards can’t even do that!  You don’t want to do better.  You don’t want to strive to keep up.  Instead, you’ve plunged yourself into Fox News and talk radio.  You follow their scripts, regurgitate their talking points, and re-post and re-send their snarky and sadistic messages on social media and email groups.
You choose to keep yourselves retarded!  That’s something that people that suffer from actual diminished mental capacity have no control over.  They can’t choose to be that way.  But you can, and you do.  This is why you deserve the title “retard” more than any of them.  You chose to be political retards!
I would put real money (if I had any) on a wager that says that if every single one of you who “demands” change, that pretends to actually want things to be different, that really want “third party” options, if every single one of you actually voted accordingly, the political landscape would radically change overnight.  You would get that change that you wanted.  All of the pollsters would fear for their jobs because they would be proven wrong.  All of the political consultants would find themselves discredited and out of work.  And the special interest groups that you so love to complain about… they would all have to scramble to find out what happened and try to get back the control they’ve coveted from all of us.
But that would require that you actually do your part, and you don’t want to do that, do you?  No.  Of course not!  Why should you do all the hard work of voting and actually risk making the “wrong choice”; as if your previous choices from both corrupt dominant political parties were any better.
That’s why I’m no longer blaming the corrupt politicians or their friends in K-Street and C-Street for future messes.  I’m blaming the rest of you.  I’m blaming all of you who refuse to do the right thing, who refuse to vote according to your conscience and instead waste your vote on continuing the corruption and the greed and the graft.  Every government shutdown.  Every instance of gridlock.  Every so-called “constitutional crisis” and “budgetary showdown” that comes up from this point on is on all on your heads.  You voted for this.  You voted for them.  It is high time you get the blame for what you have done when you surrender your vote to the two dominant political parties.
And I’ll let you in on a little secret: the politicians already do this.  This is why they are operating with complete impunity every time they pull one of their little stunts.  They don’t blame themselves or the system or K-Street and C-Street or “soft money”.  They blame you.  Because they know that you’ll vote for them no matter what they do.  And they are laughing about it behind your backs!
From this election on, there are no more excuses for political retards.  The two dominant political parties will never change as long as they know you will continue to vote for them.  You can call yourselves the Tea-With-Lemon-And-Cookies Party and it won’t mean a single thing as long as you continue to vote for either of the two dominant political parties.  They have no reason to change their habits as long as you refuse to.  I know this.  They know this.  It is high time that the rest of you finally accept this.