Monday, November 17, 2014

Week of 11/17/2014

Kim Kardashian Will Never Break The Internet
You know what I really hate?  Over-inflated pompous declarations that are hyped up in the media.
This is the ongoing beef that I have with the Huffington Post, because they are worse at it than even Fox News.  They get some Democrat to offer up a rebuttal against something a conservative says, and the HuffPo people then splash that on their front page with a banner saying “So-and-So Completely Obliterates Conservative Claim”, even though the rebuttal in question is about as scalding as ice water.
The latest ego-centered over-inflated pompous declaration concerns the overexposed media that is Kim Kardashian.
Yes, “that” Kim.
The one with the sex tape and the ongoing series and spin-offs on E! Television and married to the music star and the family that is more surreal than “The Surreal Life”.
“That” Kim.
It seems the media that is Kim Kardashian has posed for some fashion-slash-pop-culture publication called “Paper”, which, I’m guessing, is published someplace called “Building”, and sold in exchange for something called “Money”.  The cover image was the photographer’s recreation of an earlier masterpiece, where champagne unrealistically flows from a held bottle to a glass perfectly balanced on the model’s rear.
But that apparently was just the tip of the media iceberg, as the media that is Kim Kardashian then proceeds to remove the shimmering evening gown she was wearing to reveal her curvy well-tanned-and-oiled naked rear, and later show her equally curvy well-tanned-and-oiled naked front.
“Paper” then released the tamer cover image with the title “Break The Internet Kim Kardashian”.  It’s then mirrored in social media as “Kim Kardashian Will Break The Internet”.  This is then followed by HuffPo’s declaration that “Kim Kardashian Will Definitely Break The Internet With Her Nude Paper Magazine Cover”.
I’m sorry but… no.
No, the media that is Kim Kardashian can never live up to that claim.
Let’s get brutally honest here… Kim Kardashian and her media can never, ever, “break the Internet”, no matter how many times she decides to pose naked and flaunt her very curvy well-tanned-and-oiled body around.  She could spend the rest of her time doing nothing but that, and it still wouldn’t “break the Internet”.
Oh, and by the way, I’m not the one that is knocking the fact that she posed nude for this magazine.  I’m disappointed that she didn’t show this much eagerness when she posed for Playboy way back when, and I think that Hugh Hefner would have to be senile if he isn’t on the phone with Kim’s people right now to get her to pose for Playboy again.  I actually like the pictures and how she looks in them.
What I take offense with are the over-exaggerated claims that anyone like the media that is Kim Kardashian, or her music husband, or her family, could ever “break the Internet”.  I don’t care how many fans you have on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat; you can never be so self-aggrandizing that your actions could “break” this medium.  You are simply not that powerful.
I get equally bothered by all of the self-appointed “mean girls” that decide to hijack an infinitely short-lived subject to express their neo-feminist-slash-femdom beliefs.  And, yes, that includes all the pseudo-“funny guys” who think it’s cool to Photoshop a guy’s head on Kim’s well-toned-and-oiled body.  Those so-called “funny guys” need to Photoshop their heads onto the anus of a donkey, because that is what they really are when they pull that sort of crap… they are the ass of an ass!
The women that get all pissy about the media that is Kim Kardashian also need to get their heads out of their own anuses.  I get that you are not the media that is Kim Kardashian.  I get that you do not have and probably will never have that kind of body, never mind one that is oiled up and well-tanned and then enhanced by Photoshop.  But your own jealousy over what you can never have does not automatically entitle you to castigate the media that is Kim Kardashian and condemn her and her media for showing off what she has and built up.  I happen to be friends with some actual Playboy Playmates – no joke – and I know that it takes some effort to keep up that kind of body.  Not everything is Photoshop.  And don’t tell me that I “don’t know what it’s like” either, because I’ve actually been on both sides of the photographer’s camera.
I’m also annoyed by the person who thinks that he or she can create 3D models to prove it’s supposedly “unrealistic” that the media that is Kim Kardashian can pull off the pose.  This is the same loser that harassed Marvel Comics over their variant cover of Spider-Woman #1.  Tell you what, cyber-fake, your credibility was already shot when a real-live model successfully replicated the Milo Manara image.  Now you want to get all pompous and self-serving over a photo cover that was clearly Photoshopped?  Take your “precious” iPad and go back to art school and maybe even learn a thing or two before trying to replicate other peoples’ works with your daddy’s CAD software.
Actress Alyssa Milano decided to hijack the over-inflated hype by whining that her breastfeeding photos were treated with “hate” but supposedly there was no “hate” over the media that is Kim Kardashian.  Um, excuse me, Ms. Milano, but you were the one getting all huffy before because people were posting pictures of your breasts back when you used to show them on video, and then you turn around and post pics of those same breasts feeding your baby.  Maybe it has less to do with what some other pop-media personality is doing and more to do with your double-standard when it comes to your own body.  And, besides, did you actually look for the reactions to the media that is Kim Kardashian, or did you simply adopt the Fox News and Talk Radio method of screaming “persecution” and then hoping the truth will validate it?
As for the rest of the world… no, the media that is Kim Kardashian can never “break” the Internet.  You’re talking about a media based on a whole family that live their lives on Entertainment Television and TMZ!  They couldn’t “break” the Internet even if they wanted to.  They need it to survive!
But do you know what can “break” the Internet?
Big corporations that believe they are “too big to care”.  Telco providers that feel they are entitled to fleece their customer base like sheep and give them non-existent service while screaming bloody murder at common sense concepts like Net Neutrality.  Corrupt politicians that have been bought and paid for by those same big corporations to keep their amoral sociopathic practices intact in the name of god-dammed profits.  Info-brokers that feel entitled to collect every single piece of information about who we are and where we are and what we are doing at all times so they can sell our lives to the government and to advertisers for a big fat profit.  Anonymous hackers that feel entitled to steal every piece of information that these info-brokers hoard on our lives and then use that information to ruin our lives.  All of these groups can and are doing their best to truly “break” the Internet that we’ve come to know all these years.
But I suspect that none of them would look good both and in and out of a shimmering evening gown as the media that is Kim Kardashian.  Never mind appear on the cover of a magazine called “Paper”.

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