Monday, December 16, 1996

Week of 12/16/1996

Holiday Shopping Nightmare
- by David Matthews 2

Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the land,
There was chaos a-brewing, pandemonium at hand.

The shoppers were strung out, all herded in their cars.
From their own perspective, everyone else was from Mars.

My spouse in the passenger side, and I at the wheel,
were looking for an open parking place that we can steal.

When out from behind us there arose such a clatter,
that we jerked our heads around to see what was the matter.

So sudden the sound did our bodies so dash
that our sodas spilled out with a loud, sticky "splash!"

A Saab and a Beemer came together at a point,
and the situation had just put the drivers out of joint.

They screamed out their lungs to vent their frustration,
At the overall fuss of this tense situation.

"You bastard!" "You idiot!" "You pin-headed dunce!"
"Can’t you think about someone else for just once!"

"I can’t pull my car out if you’re still in the way,
so get your ass out, and do it TODAY!

The morons continued to argue and banter,
what’s worse the kids joined in with their own little canter.

"You hit us! You hit us! Boy we’re gonna sue!
Our daddy’s a lawyer!
" They screamed till turned blue.

Soon others joined in the ongoing fracas
in hopes that they might see a holiday carcass.

We thought about jumping in, to settle the case,
but then a spot opened and we soon took its place.

The cops soon arrived to settle the feud,
because the vehicle jam-up was causing quite a stew.

With the matter settled we went in the store,
but the family in the Saab wanted to argue some more.

It was obvious to us that the source of the noise,
was for a Nintendo 64 to give to the boys.

But they’d learned soon enough that it would be a sad night,
For the object in question was no where in sight.

What’s more, they found out in such a big shame,
that you can’t find a doll with Elmo for a name.

Their faces were red, their eyes had such fire,
that the store didn’t have what was shown in the flier.

But what made it the worst part of this pre-Christmas scorn,
It was the twelfth store they’ve been to since six in the morn.

Then I heard them exclaim as they raced back to the fray-
Merry Christmas to all, and to all just GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR WAY!"

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