Monday, December 9, 1996

Week of 12/09/1996

Political Virus 96
- by David Matthews 2

Have you ever considered how politics works much like a computer virus?

Think about it - it infests everything it touches, it often uses up valuable resources, and is known for concealing, distorting, and sometimes even destroying vital pieces of information.

In light of the this year’s political season, and all the changes going on in government involving computers, it’s time for a new batch of computer-related viruses to infiltrate out political discord. Forget about the 2000 bug that’s destined to cause cyber-havok on New Years Day 2000! We’re talking about some serious computer-sounding bugs affecting us in the here and now.

Bear in mind that each virus listed, no matter how dangerous in appearance, exists only in jest, and transmitted only through humorous intentions.

Jack Kervorkian Virus - Allows your computer to crash with dignity.

Michigan Virus - At any given time will seize vital program files so that your computer cannot die with dignity through the Kervorkian Virus.

Corporate Virus - Gradually turns all your permanent files into TEMP (or temporary) files that can be easily removed.

Democratic Virus - Creates a new program for each program listed in your directory, and so on and so forth until all your system resources are used up. Then it blames the whole thing on you for wanting it to happen.

Republican Virus - Systematically deletes all programs it considers to be "non-essential," executes all executable files, gives itself all unused space, then blames it all on the Democratic Virus when either the system crashes or when you complain about it.

Reform Virus - We’re not too sure how it’s supposed to work, but we do know it’s supposed to be NOTHING like the Democratic or Republican Virus.

Libertarian Virus - Well it’s a nice virus… if anyone ever decides to use it…

Green Virus - If not handled right will turn your computer monitor into a lovely art-deco planter for a small tree.

U.S. Taxpayer Virus - Well is SAYS it’s not like the Republican Virus, but it sure works like it.

Conservative Virus - Deletes every program that can be seen on the LEFT side of the screen.

Liberal Virus - We wish we knew what it was. We used to know but after the rampage of the Conservative Virus we’re not so sure anymore.

Moderate Virus - Doesn’t exist anymore. It was eaten up by the Liberal and Conservative viruses.

Rush Limbaugh Virus - Eliminates the use of the left mouse button, then tells you that the system has ALWAYS relied on the RIGHT mouse button for EVERYTHING!

Christian Coalition Virus - Slowly turns your computer into an electronic bible and abacus.

Pro-Life Virus - Once started cannot be aborted under ANY circumstance!

Pro-Choice Virus - Chooses to abort itself at any time.

Politically Correct Virus - It doesn’t "harm" a system at all. Instead it "empowers" your computer to operate independently of any commands by "unappreciative" users. It doesn’t "crash" the system either - it simply encourages the computer to "act out" it’s aggressions in a manner that demands attention.

Janet Reno Virus - Storms your system (at times without a warrant) and transfers all your files to the FBI.

Militia Virus - Tells you that your system has been infiltrated by the Janet Reno Virus, and then deletes the information on your hard drive in order to "protect" itself.

Church of Scientology Virus - Well we’d like to tell you what it is, but unfortunately all pertinent information on it has been seized by lawyers pending possible lawsuits.

Senator James Exon Virus - Makes the opening of any program under 18 years of age a felony punishable by 2 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.

The Commission on Presidential Debates Virus - Scans all programs in your system, then determines that the only programs worth remaining in your system are the Democratic and Republican Viruses.

Bill Clinton Virus - Announces it’s here to help you, then after replacing all the files in your system with the Democratic Virus it claims to feel your pain.

Bob Dole Virus - Constantly says it’s not like the Bill Clinton Virus. It talks like the Libertarian Virus, works like the Republican Virus, and often complains that America deserves better. Sometimes prone to crash unexpectedly.

Ross Perot Virus - Well, now, see, it’s kind of like putting two hens in a pot.. only that bird won’t fly. Understand? Now if you can see this chart, you’ll know that the Democratic and Republican Viruses can’t really do the job because that’s like sticking a fox in your wallet and flushing it down the commode. You understand what I’m talking about? It’s a conspiracy. You know it, I know it, and the 65 million graphs I’ll present to you prove it!

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