Week of 12/16/1996

Holiday Shopping Nightmare
- by David Matthews 2

‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the land,
There was chaos a-brewing, pandemonium at hand.

The shoppers were strung out, all herded in their cars.
From their own perspective, everyone else was from Mars.

My spouse in the passenger side, and I at the wheel,
were looking for an open parking place that we can steal.

When out from behind us there arose such a clatter,
that we jerked our heads around to see what was the matter.

So sudden the sound did our bodies so dash
that our sodas spilled out with a loud, sticky "splash!"

A Saab and a Beemer came together at a point,
and the situation had just put the drivers out of joint.

They screamed out their lungs to vent their frustration,
At the overall fuss of this tense situation.

"You bastard!" "You idiot!" "You pin-headed dunce!"
"Can’t you think about someone else for just once!"

"I can’t pull my car out if you’re still in the way,
so get your ass out, and do it TODAY!"

The morons continued to argue and banter,
what’s worse the kids joined in with their own little canter.

"You hit us! You hit us! Boy we’re gonna sue!
Our daddy’s a lawyer!" They screamed till turned blue.

Soon others joined in the ongoing fracas
in hopes that they might see a holiday carcass.

We thought about jumping in, to settle the case,
but then a spot opened and we soon took its place.

The cops soon arrived to settle the feud,
because the vehicle jam-up was causing quite a stew.

With the matter settled we went in the store,
but the family in the Saab wanted to argue some more.

It was obvious to us that the source of the noise,
was for a Nintendo 64 to give to the boys.

But they’d learned soon enough that it would be a sad night,
For the object in question was no where in sight.

What’s more, they found out in such a big shame,
that you can’t find a doll with Elmo for a name.

Their faces were red, their eyes had such fire,
that the store didn’t have what was shown in the flier.

But what made it the worst part of this pre-Christmas scorn,
It was the twelfth store they’ve been to since six in the morn.

Then I heard them exclaim as they raced back to the fray-
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all just GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR WAY!"

Week of 12/09/1996

Political Virus 96
- by David Matthews 2

Have you ever considered how politics works much like a computer virus?

Think about it - it infests everything it touches, it often uses up valuable resources, and is known for concealing, distorting, and sometimes even destroying vital pieces of information.

In light of the this year’s political season, and all the changes going on in government involving computers, it’s time for a new batch of computer-related viruses to infiltrate out political discord. Forget about the 2000 bug that’s destined to cause cyber-havok on New Years Day 2000! We’re talking about some serious computer-sounding bugs affecting us in the here and now.

Bear in mind that each virus listed, no matter how dangerous in appearance, exists only in jest, and transmitted only through humorous intentions.

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Jack Kervorkian Virus - Allows your computer to crash with dignity.

Michigan Virus - At any given time will seize vital program files so that your computer cannot die with dignity through the Kervorkian Virus.

Corporate Virus - Gradually turns all your permanent files into TEMP (or temporary) files that can be easily removed.

Democratic Virus - Creates a new program for each program listed in your directory, and so on and so forth until all your system resources are used up. Then it blames the whole thing on you for wanting it to happen.

Republican Virus - Systematically deletes all programs it considers to be "non-essential," executes all executable files, gives itself all unused space, then blames it all on the Democratic Virus when either the system crashes or when you complain about it.

Reform Virus - We’re not too sure how it’s supposed to work, but we do know it’s supposed to be NOTHING like the Democratic or Republican Virus.

Libertarian Virus - Well it’s a nice virus… if anyone ever decides to use it…

Green Virus - If not handled right will turn your computer monitor into a lovely art-deco planter for a small tree.

U.S. Taxpayer Virus - Well is SAYS it’s not like the Republican Virus, but it sure works like it.

Conservative Virus - Deletes every program that can be seen on the LEFT side of the screen.

Liberal Virus - We wish we knew what it was. We used to know but after the rampage of the Conservative Virus we’re not so sure anymore.

Moderate Virus - Doesn’t exist anymore. It was eaten up by the Liberal and Conservative viruses.

Rush Limbaugh Virus - Eliminates the use of the left mouse button, then tells you that the system has ALWAYS relied on the RIGHT mouse button for EVERYTHING!

Christian Coalition Virus - Slowly turns your computer into an electronic bible and abacus.

Pro-Life Virus - Once started cannot be aborted under ANY circumstance!

Pro-Choice Virus - Chooses to abort itself at any time.

Politically Correct Virus - It doesn’t "harm" a system at all. Instead it "empowers" your computer to operate independently of any commands by "unappreciative" users. It doesn’t "crash" the system either - it simply encourages the computer to "act out" it’s aggressions in a manner that demands attention.

Janet Reno Virus - Storms your system (at times without a warrant) and transfers all your files to the FBI.

Militia Virus - Tells you that your system has been infiltrated by the Janet Reno Virus, and then deletes the information on your hard drive in order to "protect" itself.

Church of Scientology Virus - Well we’d like to tell you what it is, but unfortunately all pertinent information on it has been seized by lawyers pending possible lawsuits.

Senator James Exon Virus - Makes the opening of any program under 18 years of age a felony punishable by 2 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.

The Commission on Presidential Debates Virus - Scans all programs in your system, then determines that the only programs worth remaining in your system are the Democratic and Republican Viruses.

Bill Clinton Virus - Announces it’s here to help you, then after replacing all the files in your system with the Democratic Virus it claims to feel your pain.

Bob Dole Virus - Constantly says it’s not like the Bill Clinton Virus. It talks like the Libertarian Virus, works like the Republican Virus, and often complains that America deserves better. Sometimes prone to crash unexpectedly.

Ross Perot Virus - Well, now, see, it’s kind of like putting two hens in a pot.. only that bird won’t fly. Understand? Now if you can see this chart, you’ll know that the Democratic and Republican Viruses can’t really do the job because that’s like sticking a fox in your wallet and flushing it down the commode. You understand what I’m talking about? It’s a conspiracy. You know it, I know it, and the 65 million graphs I’ll present to you prove it!

Week of 12/02/1996

And now a message from the Borg.
- by David Matthews 2

Hey folks! Don’t you just hate it when people don’t think just like you do?

Don’t you just hate that awkward feeling when you do something and other people don’t exactly do what you do? Or worse yet, they go so far as to ASK you what you did?

SO DO WE!

So do something about it! Join the collective!

Yes, why bother having to do such mundane things as THINKING when you can have other people do your thinking for you? Why even have rational thoughts? After all, it just gets in the way of more important things that need to get done in your day-to-day existence.

When you’re part of the collective you can rest assured that no matter what happens, other people will be doing just what you’re doing. No more worries about not being in fashion, because when you’re one with the collective you’re ALWAYS in vogue. As a matter of fact, if we get our way... and we always do... WE will soon be setting the trends again, so you won’t have to worry about whether or not you’re keeping up with your neighbors.

In the collective your values are OUR values... and OUR values are your values, even if you don’t agree with them. Besides, we KNOW we’re right about OUR values anyways, so what you yourself think is right or wrong is irrelevant.

And in the collective you have FREEDOM. Freedom from crime, freedom from poverty, freedom from isolation. Nothing like those irrelevant freedoms people talk about like freedom of speech or religion or the press. We know that’s all just bull anyways. Besides, you can’t really have those kinds of freedoms in OUR society, so why worry about them?

Now we know what you’re thinking - "Gee, I’d like to join the collective, but what about my neighbors? What if they don’t join the collective? I might appear a bit odd if I’m the only one in the neighborhood who’s part of this collective."

Well you won’t have to think that way.. (As a matter of fact, we’d prefer if you didn’t think at all, but we digress…) because rest assured, your neighbors will soon be joining into the collective, even if they don’t want to. In fact, we’re sweeping the area, neighborhood by neighborhood. Before long EVERYONE will be following OUR dictates.

Plus, as an added bonus, you get peace of mind in the collective. Peace of mind in that with the collective you won’t have to worry about being held RESPONSIBLE for anything. Why would you? After all, when you follow with the collective (and dispose of that nasty habit of thinking), there won’t be anything you have to be held responsible for! Besides, we have a long list of ready-made scapegoats for you to blame everything on from Hollywood to television to magazines to junk food!

Right about now, you may be having second thoughts about joining the collective. We understand, but you have to realize that we’re a force to be reckoned with. You can’t stop us. We’ve been here for generations. We are your past. We are your present. And we ARE your future, whether you like it or not.

And rest assured, the collective ALWAYS gets it’s way. Maybe not immediately, but eventually we do. If a judge gets in our way, we work to replace that judge. If a legislator doesn’t support us, we work to remove him or her from office. If a business is selling something we don’t approve of, we do everything in our power to put the owner out of business. And if the issue is right, we’ll even get the media to do most of our dirty work for us. We do everything in our power to discredit, dishonor, and eventually destroy our opposition.

Resistance is futile. You WILL be assimilated.