Who
Wants To Live In A Hallmark Mystery Neighborhood?
I have a simple question to ask...
Who really wants to live in the neighborhood of a Hallmark Mystery town?
I’m serious about this.
My mother loves the Hallmark
Movies & Mystery Channel on DirecTV.
It’s one of those channels that show old murder mystery shows like “Hart
to Hart” and “Matlock” and “The Perry Mason Mysteries”, but they also do all of
their original mystery movies that star actresses from the 80’s and 90’s TV
shows. This is the channel that kept
Lori Loughlin on TV before
she got caught up in the “Operation Varsity Blues” scam.
HMM has several original movies that involve seemingly ordinary women
solving murder mysteries. One is a
bookstore owner. Another is a baker. Another is a home renovator. But, somehow, they all end up being involved with
a murder, and they all seem to be able to solve those murders instead of the
police. And it’s not just sometime. It’s every time.
Basic premise of this is always the same.
There’s a murder. The police are
called, and it’s somehow connected to our main heroine – let’s call her Mary
Sue Sleuth – but she’s told to not interfere in the investigation, don’t get
involved, don’t ask questions, don’t withhold anything from them, and don’t
stick her nose where it doesn’t belong.
But she does it anyway, even when the police threaten to have her
arrested. And she ends up solving the
case and finding the killer and hopefully doesn’t get killed in the
process. Well, we know that she won’t,
because it's Hallmark. Wrap up, roll credits,
and let’s see what the next mystery will be.
Yes, it’s pretty much boilerplate.
It’s like the old murder mysteries of the Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew or
Miss Marple, except they feature grown women that are still easy on the eyes. It’s done for the drama, not for the realism.
But I still have to wonder... who would really want to live in that kind
of community?
First of all, all of these HMM movies happen in little communities. Small cities and sleepy little bedroom
towns. We’re not talking New York or Los
Angeles or Miami or even Seattle. These
are communities where the first words out everyone’s mouths when faced with a
murder are “Things like this just don’t happen here!” Well, they didn’t until Mary Sue Sleuth
decided to get nosy.
Now one murder mystery would be more than enough for any little community
to handle. But we’re talking a whole series
of movies, not just one. That means that
there are several murders and related mysteries happening in that
community. That means that the crime
rate in that community goes up with every movie. And, you know, people are sorta-kinda hung up
on crime statistics when they’re choosing a new house.
I can see a hypothetical couple talking about how there’s a two-floor three-bedroom
two-and-a-half-bath that would be perfect for them. Then they realize that it’s in the same
neighborhood where five people were killed in the span of two years, and the person
that would best do the renovation always gets involved with dead bodies, and
they decide to stay in the city, where it’s statistically safer.
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be a realtor in those murder mystery towns.
How about the victims? They’re
usually not ordinary people. They’re not
some homeless bum living under a bridge or a drug addict. They’re usually doctors and lawyers and
business owners. People of prestige and
respect in the community. And the actual
killers? Well, they’re usually not
nobodies either. They are the children
or spouse or best friend or business rival of the victim. They’re the kind of people that would
normally get away with that sort of crime if not for Mary Sue Sleuth getting all
nosy.
So if you’re a successful businessman, would you want to keep doing business
in a community where it’s only a matter of statistical time before you either
become the next victim or the next murderer?
Speaking of businesses, it really must be great for that bookstore or
that bakery or that design firm to be able to function without their boss
around. I mean, these are not huge
corporate entities with hundreds of people working for Mary Sue Sleuth to where
she can afford to take the time off to investigate the latest murder. These are all small businesses with one or
two employees working for Mary Sue Sleuth.
Employees that now have to run the business in Mary Sue Sleuth’s absence
because she’s too busy being nosy. Hope
they don’t mind not getting paid for a while.
You know, I happen to know some people who do own small businesses, and
they simply do not have the time even for a normal life, never mind be out
solving mysteries. So how can Mary Sue
Sleuth pull that off herself and not have her business go into bankruptcy in
the middle of the first mystery never mind the ninth or tenth?
And how about the police in these little murder mystery communities? They seem to spend way too much time either
doing the wrong things, chasing the wrong people, or else they’re bulling Mary
Sue Sleuth and threatening her with arrest because they can’t seem to do their
jobs. Talk about a bunch of incompetent
hacks! Maybe the police chief there
should just step down and put Mary Sue Sleuth in charge, because she seems to
be the only one who knows how to investigate a crime properly.
That little bit doesn’t bode well for the community either. How many citizens in that community would be
sending letters to the editor wondering why they’re paying tax monies for a
gang of incompetent hacks with badges?
The motto is supposed to be “To Protect And Serve”, not “Get Paid To Bumble
And Fumble”.
But... it’s still all fiction, right?
No real communities are harmed by this.
Except for maybe the police, who are made to look like clowns and idiots.
As a published writer myself, I can understand the need to suspend
disbelief when it comes to telling certain stories. I do that with my works at Battlerock Comics. But let’s get brutally honest here... there
comes a point to where you can’t keep counting on the same formula to be run
and not expect it have an effect on the community, even in a fictional one.
Murder mysteries taking place around the turn of the 20th
century are one thing. The police were
not so sophisticated back then. The law did not demand a precise accounting of evidence
and procedure as it does today. Back then
you could have someone like a Father Brown or a Miss Marple investigate a
mystery and not have it cause concern. Indeed,
the knowledge that one of those people were “on the case” would actually cause
much relief. Hercule Poirot and Sherlock
Holmes were respected investigators back then.
They came with references. Not so
much for a 21st century bookstore owner or a baker or a home décor specialist
that seem to have all the time in the world to solve the mysteries that their incompetent
taxpayer-funded police can’t seem to do and still somehow run a small business.
Actions have consequence, and that applies to the world of fiction as
well. A housewife solving a murder in
her neighborhood that one time can be considered a fluke. But when it happens over and over again, and
that same housewife seems to be the only one who is capable of solving those
crimes, then at some point you need to have the community demanding some
answers as to why this is happening and why they are paying taxpayer dollars
for an inept police force. Sooner or
later, people in that kind of community will have to ask if they would really
want to live there, or if they should move to someplace with better police,
fewer crimes, and without nosy crime-solving neighbors.
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