Week of 06/11/2018

Suicide and the Suicidal Nation
– by David Matthews 2

The recent deaths of fashion designer Kate Spade and media personality Anthony Bourdain, along with the earlier death of Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington and Playboy Playmate Stephanie Adams, have caused us to focus on the seeming rise of suicides in America.  Not to mention we got in an uproar over the Netflix series “13 Reasons Why”, which focused on the aftermath of a teen who killed herself.

And, as usual, the media and the community in general, have all done the stupid thing and referenced a hotline number as if that would miraculously solve everything.

“Oh, it’s tragic.  It really sucks.  Hey, if you are thinking of killing yourself, call this number.  Get help.  You’re not alone.”

I’m sorry, but if you are one of those people who are doing that… just referencing a phone number or a website and just telling someone who is thinking of killing themselves to “get help”, then you are not helping anyone except yourself.  You are not doing them any favors. 

In fact, if anything, all you are really doing is you are helping them to die.

Longtime readers of my column know that I’m far from “normal”.  I suffer from avoidant personality disorder.  I’ve been alone and lonely for so long that I have a hard time socializing.  That’s why I’m often seen as quiet and keeping to myself.  I do have friends; people that I’ve known for decades, and they’ve known that sometimes I retreat back into that shell that I’ve lived in since I was a teenager.  It’s hard for me to have a social life.  I just can’t reach out and introduce myself to people like others can do normally.

I’m not the only one with this problem.  There are plenty of others.  The problem for me has been that I couldn’t get help when I started asking for it.  The people that were supposed to help me either didn’t know what avoidant personality disorder was (it wasn’t a recognized disorder until 1988), or they didn’t care, thinking that it was either “in my head” or that I was trying to get attention or that it was something that was just temporary and all I had to do was just focus on something else.

You know… it was forty years ago when I was first told that what I was going through was “just a phase”.  Forty years, and it hasn’t gone away yet.  That’s one hell of a “phase”!

On the plus side, the gross incompetence of others to help me also encouraged me to learn more about what the hell was wrong with me.  Because if nobody was going to help me, then I would have to help myself.  So I ended up taking courses in psychology and sociology and crisis intervention as part of my bachelors degree.  It’s allowed me to understand the mindset of different people, not just myself.  Some of that I’ve been able to share with you here in my column and through Internet radio.

So when we talk about people committing suicide, I know a hell of a lot more than the vast majority of you about the subject, and not just because I read something or that I heard something.  I suffer like these other people have suffered.  I know the depths of their despair because I live with it. 

And since they can’t say it, I will.  A lot of the statements made by you, the great unwashed, about those who suffer show just how willfully ignorant and shallow the whole lot of you really are.

First of all, I’m glad that someone thought of a suicide hotline.  For those that can make that call, I would sincerely hope the person on the other end can help them.

But telling people who suffer to just call that hotline is like telling someone who is drowning “Hey, here’s a life preserver over here on the shore.  Why don’t you swim over here and get it?”  You are not helping!

Here’s the thing: a person who suffers from depression or other similar problems have had to lie about what they’re feeling.  They’re going to say “I’m fine” even when they’re not. 

Sometimes they’re afraid of how other people will react.  Sometimes they’re afraid they’ll be locked away somewhere and then just exist in a drug-induced stupor.    Sometimes they’re afraid that if they open up that they’ll be punished for admitting it.  They’re afraid they might lose their job, or be denied a job, or be denied a loan, or otherwise be deprived of the things that most people take for granted.  They’re afraid they might be put on a “no-fly” list or be deemed a “security risk”.  It is actually a criminal offense to try to kill yourself!  So, of course they have to lie about what they’re going through!  Of course they have to say “I’m fine!”  It’s how they survive.

And even if they are able to open up and say what is wrong with them, most of you ignorantly shut them down.  You tell that person that it’s “just temporary, it’ll pass.”  You say that it’s all in their heads, and you’d be technically correct, but that’s not what you mean when you say it.  You accuse them of faking it just to get sympathy.  You say “well, we all get blue sometimes”, which is sort of like saying that the HMS Titanic just had a leaky faucet.  Or you might give them the biggest of insults and tell them that they’re being “negative” and you just can’t be with “negative things”.

Believe me, I’ve heard them all over the decades.   Personally, I’ve found the “you’re being negative” one the worst, because that’s an out-and-out rejection of the person instead of just negating the problem.

So, yeah, of course you’d be shocked and surprised when you hear that someone like Anthony Bourdain or Kate Spade or Chester Bennington or Stephanie Adams kill themselves.  And that’s all on you and on your ignorance of what was going on with these people.

Let’s get brutally honest here… if someone you know comes to you and tells you that they’re depressed or suicidal, they are not looking for a reference or a phone number.  They’re not looking for attention or sympathy.  They are looking for support!  They are looking for a friend to actually be the friend that they need.

And if you can’t be that friend, if you can’t be the support that they need, then all that you are really doing is helping them to die.

You are helping them to die.

Think about that.

Every time you tell that person who is depressed or suicidal that what they are going through is “just a phase” or that it’s “just temporary”, you are helping them to die.

Every time you tell that person who is depressed or suicidal that they need help and to give them a phone number or a website, you are helping them to die.

Every time you tell that person who is depressed or suicidal that they’re just looking for sympathy or attention, you are helping them to die.

And, certainly, every time you tell that person who reaches out to you that you can’t be with “negative things”, you are not just helping that person to die; you are telling them to die.

The problem of suicide in our society is not just a problem of the person contemplating it.  It’s not a matter of money or fame or love or popularity.  The real problem is how we deal with mental health and the stresses that are imposed on us and the ones we put on others.  The person that kills himself or herself is not “weak” or “selfish”.  The “weak” people are the friends who didn’t help them for their own selfish reasons. 

Their deaths are our collective failures.  Don’t be shocked or surprised by them.  Be ashamed.

(Publisher’s Note: Get Brutal Productions would be remiss if we did not include someplace for people to turn to for help.  If you Google “suicide hotline”, you will find several numbers and websites that are dedicated to offering help for those who need it.  This includes 800-numbers and live chat.  They will listen and they will help.  And if you are a friend of someone who needs help, and you don’t know what to do, then call them.  They will help you to know how to help your friend.  Be their friend.)