Week of 07/29/2013

Weiner’s Wiener of a Problem
– by David Matthews 2

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has a problem.

Actually he has several, and only one of them is being discussed.

Weiner was hounded out of Congress because he flashed his wiener (and a few other things) in Twitter posts.  Apparently you can be an unrepentant dick in Congress, but you just can’t show it.  That’s what you get when it put the legislative branch in the hands of career narcissists; nothing but misplaced priorities.

But Weiner thought he could repent and get back into public service by running for New York City Mayor.  Hey, why not, right?  If I was in his shoes I wouldn’t want the last image people have of me being what was dangling between my legs.  Besides, if former Governor Mark Sanford can be caught “hiking the Appalachian trail” by way of a Brazilian mistress and still end up getting elected to Congress by the same band of self-righteous hypocrites, then Weiner should be able to strive for some kind of public office.

Unfortunately, that brings us to Weiner’s problems… and, yes, they are many.

Let’s start with the fact that he got caught yet again flashing his wiener in places that should be flashed, and this news comes not long after he makes his name on the ballot.  This is not old stuff either… this comes after he promised he supposedly “learned his lesson”.

Weiner’s Wiener Mistake #1: If you say that you’ve learned your lesson and would never do something again, and then you don’t do the things that prove that, then you’re a lying hypocritical sack of donkey dung.  It doesn’t matter if it’s flashing your dangly parts or raising taxes; you’ve failed to keep your word.

As soon as you say “it’ll never happen again”, you’re on notice, because that’s what people will be looking for from that point on!  They’re waiting for you to go back on your word.

Weiner’s Wiener Mistake #2: You should have expected this, Weiner!

Remember, this campaign for mayor wasn’t endorsed by the Democratic Party.  Weiner had to campaign himself to get his name on the ballot.  Do you really think that’s something a party-supported candidate would have to worry about?  Party-supported candidates don’t have to deal with signatures.  The party takes care of that for them.

I’m sure somewhere in the New York Democratic Party there’s a career politician who thinks that it’s his or her turn at the big city desk, that paid their dues and waited their turn, and now suddenly they’re discovering that Anthony Weiner has put his wiener into the race.  Now if you were that career politician, or the party-player behind that career politician, and you found that out, do you really think you would simply step back and wait another turn?  Or would you want to give Mister Weiner a little reminder that he’s not welcome in the Big Rotted Apple?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

This is the basic truth about scandals: if they break before the party’s primary, then odds are the person behind it is in the same party!

And that brings us to the rather glaring mistake Weiner made with this.

Weiner’s Wiener Mistake #3: You’re not mayor, Weiner!

I understand that, given the long history of that city’s mayors, dangling your junk on Twitter is rather tame compared to, say, Thug Rudy Giuliani’s antics.  The self-appointed “Saint of 9/11” dragged his marital infidelities all across the newspapers and even was kicked out of the Mayor’s Mansion because he decided to spend his time with his mistress than with his wife and kids.

I know that given the choice between a mayor that sexts his junk and a mayor that has a fetish about turning The Big Rotted Apple into New Singapore, that people would much rather have a mayor that sexts his junk.  But let’s get brutally honest here, Weiner… you’re not the mayor yet!

You still have to go through a primary, and then through the general election.  You still have to win over the voters of New York City to become mayor before you can start taking them for granted like a mayor.

Seriously, Mister Weiner, it’s one thing to be confident… it’s another to be out-and-out presumptive that you have the election in the bag.

And that brings us to a basic Internet truth, Mister Weiner…

Weiner’s Wiener Mistake #4: Nobody wants to see your wiener, Weiner!

It’s nothing personal, but no matter if it’s one of those chat-roulette services or Craig’s List or private accounts on Twitter, so many “Dicks” have been using their “Wieners” in lieu of their personality that it’s downright unappealing.  The female form is beautiful; the male form, not so much.  It’s an old and basic truth.  As the owner and operator of Radio Dead Air loves to point out on his Internet show, there’s nothing sexy at the Wal-Mart, and nobody wants to see your wiener, Weiner.

Look, I wish you luck in your bid for the Mayor’s Office, Mister Weiner.  If you can somehow convince the voters that you’re still the best thing they can ask for, then they deserve the mayor they vote for.  And it’s great that your wife is loyal enough to stand by you, but you really shouldn’t expect the rest of the city to be either as forgiving or accommodating.  Unlike your wife, they don’t have to be stuck with you “’til death do you part.”