Monday, May 9, 2011

Week of 05/09/2011

Fear Incorporated
– by David Matthews 2

Welcome to FEAR INCORPORATED, where FEAR is our FORTUNE!

Whatever it is you need to sell, we’ll help you sell it! Whatever it is you want passed, we’ll get it passed! We ARE the number one salesmen for the media, government, and religion, and we didn’t get there by accident!

We have CENTURIES of experience to help you get whatever you want done. There’s only ONE other business that’s been around longer than us, and that’s only legal in certain places in Nevada! What we do is not only LEGAL, but it’s been endorsed by both church AND state!

Here’s how it works: you come to us with a product or an idea that you want to sell. Maybe you got some legislation you want enacted. Maybe it’s some product you want sold in stores. Or maybe it’s an all-out WAR that you want waged. Whatever it is, you come to us and our crack team of experts will help you figure out how you can get your target audience so terrified that they’ll do whatever it is you want them to do!

Are you a minister looking to boost your attendance? Maybe get a little extra in the collection plate? We’ll show you how to use today’s problems as win-win selling points for you to fill both the pews and your coffers. We’ll show you which groups for you to blame that will bring in the maximum number of people, and give you the most money for you to “combat these problems”. And once you get them in, we guarantee you that they’ll NEVER leave as long as you use our secret techniques.

Are you the manager of a local TV or radio station? Or maybe you’re a media personality just trying to get noticed. We know how hard it is for you to keep your audience tuned in. At Fear Incorporated, we know precisely what kind of subjects you should use to keep them interested and keep them watching or listening! From the “evils” of the Internet to failing government programs to anything the teenagers are doing that is popular, we will twist it and turn it into a full-on epidemic that “only you” will be talking about and “only you” can “protect”.

In a relationship that just isn’t working out? Don’t let it break up. Instead, take it to one of our many relationship experts that will show you how to use FEAR to keep that loved one by your side. And don’t worry about the legality of it… our experts will walk you through the steps to make sure that you stay on the RIGHT side of the law as you bring your betrothed to a long relationship whether they want to or not.

Have a product that you want sold? Maybe an insurance program or a disaster-preparedness system? Maybe even an exchange system with precious metals? Then Fear Incorporated should be the FIRST people you should contact! We’ll use already-existing economic concerns and transform them into a full-blown economic crisis that ONLY your program could seemingly resolve. You’ll have people just begging for your products!

Are you a defense contractor looking to sell your wares? Well what better way to get your sales going than in a WAR? We here at Fear Incorporated are very proud of our many ways we can convince the masses that a war is needed. We’ll help you pick the enemy, we will show you how to demonize that enemy and mobilize public support against that enemy, and we’ll ensure that the war will last as long as you want it to.

Of course we pride ourselves with our long-established partnership with government. We’ve helped so many politicians get elected to office and rise all the way to the Oval Office through the use of FEAR that we’ve almost got our own permanent office in the White House. Think of all of the government programs that would have been phased out years ago if not for the use of FEAR! Yes, most, if not all of them, are still around today because of our team of image consultants and political advisors stirring up the masses and pushing just the right buttons.

Yes, we here at Fear Incorporated are very proud of our accomplishments in helping to mold and shape society over the centuries. We’ve stymied progress, slowed social and technological advancements, decreased the surplus population, and at the same time made rich companies even richer and powerful groups even more powerful. That’s why we say that FEAR is our FORTUNE.

And now we here at Fear Incorporated need to take a moment in respect to our most effective associate: Osama Bin Laden. For almost ten years, Mister Bin Laden was personally responsible for making Fear Incorporated THE number one mover and shaker in American society! Thanks to his tireless efforts, America was involved with two wars, spending hundreds of trillions of dollars, going deeply into debt, costing the lives of tens of thousands of soldiers (not to mention untold thousands in civilian lives), and polarizing the American spirit in ways that were not seen since the days of Joe McCarthy, who was another one of our satisfied customers.

Sadly, our beloved associate is gone now… but his legacy lives on with us. Because let’s get brutally honest here… as long as there is money to be made and as long as people are easily and readily motivated by their base desires, there will always be a place for Fear Incorporated to help you make as much money and amass as much power as you wish.

(Editor’s note: Fear Incorporated is not a real business, as far as we know; nor is it intended to represent any one single entity or organization.)

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