Monday, December 6, 2010

Week of 12/06/2010

If Dictionaries Were Bipartisan…
– by David Matthews 2

It is said that history is written by the conqueror. That probably explains why people like Glenn Beck are hell-bent on re-writing it. No doubt if they had their way, school children would eventually be reading about how the Conservative Pilgrims (formerly the Puritans) sailed to North America in gold-plated battleships to “save” the “godless heathens” (formerly the Native Americans) from the “evils” of the liberal French trappers and establish a great “Republic of God”.

Thankfully their revisionism hasn’t yet reached the dictionaries. I think partially this is because dictionaries are still something that has to be READ. But if there is enough incentive, I’m sure we’ll soon see an interactive Foxonary Channel.

Sadly our social processes has become so politically polarized that we seem to have alternate ideas about everything. Polarized news, polarized radio, polarized stores, polarized TV shows, even toy dolls are being polarized! At this rate it’s only a matter of time before the very English language we take for granted is polarized with separate dictionaries… one for Dems and one for the GOP.

After all, for a few years we did just that with Thanksgiving! If you don’t believe me, then do a Google search for the word “Franksgiving” and you’ll see for yourself. There was one Thanksgiving for Democrats and one a week later for the GOP.

And of course there are the continual jokes about elections being held on separate days depending on your political affiliation and on who is telling the “joke”. (Oh, and I’m going to be kind and say that it IS a joke, and not some crass political tactic worthy of hunting down the perpetrators and waterboarding them.)

So let’s take that polarization and show how it would be applied to a few random entries in the English Dictionary… with one entry for the Democrats (DEM) and one for the GOP (GOP).

Now let’s get brutally honest here… I know that some of the definitions are going to be exaggerated. And they’re done intentionally to prove a point. They’re done to show that those who claim to want “common ground” fail to recognize that there is very little ground left that is “common”.

So here we go…


WAR (noun)
DEM: A state of armed hostility between two factions often resulting in needless tragedy. Something to be avoided at all costs.
GOP: A perpetual state of being for those who fight for our way of life. It is preferably waged with huge amounts of ordinance designed to “shock and awe” the enemy and to impress viewers when it is replayed on the nightly news and again on the Military Channel.

SOLDIER (noun)
DEM: A necessary evil in a free society.
GOP: The ultimate form of citizenry. When properly trained and deployed, a soldier will obey any and all orders without question. His or her sacrifice is to be remembered at all times. His or her death in service is to be canonized and glorified for all time (unless said citizen later becomes a liberal; see also “Traitor”).

DOG (noun)
DEM: A cute furry four-legged animal no bigger than a woman’s purse designed to be dressed up in cute little outfits and treated as furry children.
GOP: Lumbering creatures the size of small children who serve as friend and guardian. Fiercely loyal, and will chase down and devour liberals on sight, smell, or voice command. Also sometimes used for entertainment when pay-per-view wrestling is not affordable. (See also “chupacabra”, “Cujo”.)

CAT (noun)
DEM: Adorable furry four-legged animals; highly temperamental but extremely loving.
GOP: Shedding, scratching, oversized rats best served by being fed to a dog.

BELIEVE (verb)
DEM: Accepting a premise or action or idea without proof.
GOP: Something that all citizens must do when dealing with a government under GOP control.

DEM: A method of negotiation which allows for progress between different but peaceful factions.
GOP: Something that only Democrats and liberals engage in. (See also: “obscenity”.)

FAIL (verb)
DEM: Something that can never happen when Democrats are in charge of the government.
GOP: Something that only Democrats and liberals do.

LIE (verb)
DEM: Something that only GOP and conservatives engage in.
GOP: Something that Democrats and liberals engage in on a perpetual basis.

GUN (noun)
DEM: A vile, vile weapon designed to kill anything and everything. Such an item can never be allowed to exist and it is the mission of all humans to eliminate it at all costs.
GOP: The power of God in the hands of man, especially when wielded by a conservative.

FAIR (noun)
DEM: Something that WE determine.
GOP: A fictional concept invented by the liberals to justify depriving you of everything you have.

RIGHTS (noun)
DEM: Anything that you do that WE deem to be important enough to defend.
GOP: A fictional concept created by the liberals to justify doing whatever they want.

TRUTH (noun)
DEM: Something that is real and can be defended with proof.
GOP: Anything FoxNews says.

And finally…

FREEDOM (noun)
DEM: Whatever DEMOCRATS (and ONLY Democrats) determine it to be.
GOP: Whatever the GOP (and ONLY the GOP) determine it to be.

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