Week of 11/22/2010

Airport Of The Future?
– by David Matthews 2

Welcome To YOUR Local USA Airport!

For speedy processing, please observe the following rules and requirements.

By going beyond this point, you voluntarily forfeit any and all protections provided under the United States Constitution for the duration of your time within any and all USA Airport branches. Any rights or privileges provided during time within any and all USA Airport branches are at the sole discretion of USA Airport and can and will be revoked at any time with or without a stated reason.

All citizens, non-citizens, visitors, guests, refugees, and members of the US Armed Forces will be thoroughly screened for safety and security considerations. This is in compliance under all authority provided under the USA PATRIOT Act, the USA Airport Safety and Security From Terrorism Act, and the US Department of Homeland Oversecurity.

Prior to screening please turn off any and all cellphones, pagers, laptop computers, Blackberries, Blueberries, Raspberries, iPods, iPads, iPlats, and any device used for recording or storage of data, including and especially any device used to store video and/or audio recordings. Recording security procedures by persons not employed by USA Airport is illegal and perpetrators will be arrested on the spot. Posting of said security procedures on social networking websites can be considered a death penalty offense.

Please be sure to provide the following documents and/or information upon entry into this or any USA Airport: your full name, the names of any other names you are known as, your address, all previous addresses you have lived at for the past ten years, your occupation, the address of your occupation, annual salary of your occupation, your National Identification Number (formerly your Social Security and Drivers License number), any and all phone numbers you currently use, any and all email addresses you currently use, the username and passwords to all websites that you are signed up for, any and all bank accounts you currently hold, any and all credit card information you have, your measurements (if female ages 18 or older), your marital status, the name of your spouse (where applicable - plural if in Utah), the names and ages of all children (where applicable), any and all social or political memberships you may currently or previously been associated with, the dates and number of times you called a radio or television station featuring a talk show host, and your position on the Instant Replay rule for all professional sports. Failure to provide any of the above-mentioned information can result in detainment. (Note: USA Airport cannot be held liable for any potential abuses or public mockery of your personal information.) Form TSA-666 will be provided for you to provide said information, which you will be able to fill out while waiting for your security screening.

Upon arrival to the screening area you will be required to remove all clothing, hair pieces, makeup, and prosthetics. Portable surgical equipment will be available to remove any breast implants, metal plates, and surgical pins. Please remove all said items and place them in the personalized container which will be handed to you prior to screening.

All persons going through screening will be subjected to visual and X-Ray scanning. This is required under the USA Airport Safety and Security From Terrorism Act and the authority of the US Department of Homeland Oversecurity. Any and all X-ray scans or photos taken during this screening by USA Airport personnel are for security purposes only and will be deleted after thorough review. (Note: USA Airport cannot be held liable for any potential abuses or public mockery of screening procedure. All scans are provided under officially licensed equipment provided by Beijing-Tijuana Security, Inc. and are not liable for any medical complications that may coincidentally arise during this time.)

Upon leaving screening, you will be provided official travel apparel containing your tickets, boarding passes, National Identification Number, and next-of-kin information. Official travel apparel will be based on your passenger status. First-Class passengers will be wearing neon orange coveralls, and all passengers flying coach will be wearing white coveralls with black stripes. Disposable feet coverings will be provided for all passengers and will be required to wear at all times within all USA Airports. All personnel not employed by USA Airport will be required to wear said travel apparel during all time within any and all USA Airport to avoid offending Airport or Airline employees with any social or political messages expressed or implied by one’s personal apparel.

All baggage will be searched upon check-in. Passengers are required to leave all baggage unlocked and available to be searched at all times. Due to security reasons, USA Airports will no longer allow carry-on luggage. Please do not transport any liquid, edible, or electronic substances in your baggage. All items will be thoroughly searched for explosives, counterfeit material, political paraphernalia, or potentially sensitive information. All suspicious material will be immediately seized and detained under current federal laws. USA Airports cannot be held liable for any material found missing, damaged, or exploited.

For a safe and event-free time during your travels at all USA Airports, please refrain from the following subject material: discussions about politics, discussions about sports, discussions about the economy, discussions about the security procedures at USA Airports, discussions about talk radio, references or impersonations of either comedian Jeff Dunham or any of his puppet characters, and any conversation that uses religious epitaphs, profanity, sexually-suggestive tones, or the phrases “hopey-changey”, “you betcha”, “Tea Party”, “shock-and-awe”, “lets get brutally honest here…”, “let’s roll”, or “Get’r done”.

(Note: The requirements listed above to not apply to members of the United States Congress or their immediate families.)

Thank you for visiting USA Airports, a division of the US Department of Homeland Oversecurity and the Federal Department of Corrections. Please be sure to visit often and GOD BLESS AMERICA!