Monday, December 21, 1998

Week of 12/21/1998

Dear Santa…
A Lighthearted Peek At Santa’s E-Mail letters
- by David Matthews 2


Subject: Holiday Wish Lists

Dear David,

After reading your Brutally Honest Christmas Wish List article online, I thought I’d share with you some of the e-mail I get from certain people. You and your readers might recognize some of these letters.


PS: I checked with Hef. Sorry, I can’t put a Playmate under your tree this year. I’ll try again next year.

Dear Santa,

This year I certainly can use your help. I’m in dire straits with my opponents. It seems some of my past moments of humiliation are coming back to haunt me. That is not to say that I was being naughty. Quite the contrary, my actions have been exemplary to the situations presented to me, and I responded in accordance to what any reasonable man in such a situation would do.

Besides, this is not about me. This is about the people I represent. I have a job to service them, and I should not be denied that because of past indiscretions.

I need new polls to show the politicians in Washington that the people I serve do not want me to stop doing my job. I cannot convince them otherwise. I think about fifty new polls should be enough to dissuade them.

I would also be ever grateful if you could arrange a little external conflict so I can improve my image as a leader. Those things have always benefited me in the past.

Lastly, as ever, I would appreciate a generous campaign donation. Oh, if possible, could you have your donation brought over by attractive female interns? Preferably brunettes. Those elves just don’t do a thing for me.

Your friend,
W.J. Clinton
Washington DC

Dear Mister Claus,

My office informs me that you continue to discriminate against non-elves in your toy manufacturing and distribution. This is in clear violation of equal employment laws in this country.

Furthermore, my office is once again telling me that you continue to maintain a list of so-called "naughty" and "nice" people, based solely on your observations through a magical snowball. You may or may not be aware that such actions are in violation of several state laws concerning invasion of privacy, not to mention a few local ordinances which prohibit the use of magical devices. While I applaud your efforts to determine who is "naughty" or "nice," my office cannot allow a private citizen to peer into the private lives of other people. That is the role of my office.

I would also appreciate it if you were to send me one of those magical snowballs. (For observational purposes, mind you.)

Oh, yes, and the head of Bill Gates on a platter, if at all possible.

Washington, DC

Forward Message:
From: Jessica Kringle
To: Chris Kringle

Chris, please tell this woman that I do not answer your e-mails anymore. It was cute when she first did this years ago, but it is just plain annoying now. - Jes

Forwarded Message

Dear Mrs. Prym-Kringle:

Hello once again. I hope you are adjusting well to life away from your husband. Trust me, sometimes it is for the best. I know the media hasn’t touched on your marital problems, and I think that is a good thing.

Since all real brains of a relationship rest with the wife, I hope you won’t mind if I continue to write to you about my Yuletide wishes. We both know that you are the one who really makes that whole deal with the elves work, not your husband. After all, look at my marriage.

What I want is the same thing I want every year: power. As a woman, you know I already possess enough power through my husband. But that is not enough. My husband has this tendency to make a fool out of himself, and this latest incident may just well cost me my hold on power.

If at all possible, I wish that my husband be given detachable privates. Since I may have to spend more time with him than I want to in the coming years, I would like to be assured that he will not embarrass me any further than he already has. Plus my daughter is now in college, and such a gift will ensure she won’t be embarrassed by his antics amongst her of-consent-age friends.

As always, I would also appreciate any fiscal contributions to our cause. Any denominations, large or small, will suffice. I fear we may have to use those funds in the coming years. Oh, if you do decide to contribute, please do not send any attractive, brunette interns over! Send the elves. I happen to know my husband is turned off by them.

I hope all goes well with your tell-all book about life on the North Pole. I look forward to reading it.

Your friend,
Washington, DC

(Writer’s note: I have been assured by Santa that he and his wife have patched things up and she has cancelled her tell-all book before it could be released.)

Dear Santa,

I have been a nice leader over the years. I have had no choice. The other countries won’t let me be naughty. When I try to be naughty, they bomb my home. Oh, and they kill some of my people too, but that is incidental.

Please send me two dozen tanks, a hundred scud missiles, forty thousand machine guns, twenty attack helicopters (fully loaded, of course), some nerve gas, and one nuclear bomb if you can squeeze that in. Oh, and a new teddy bear. I seem to have lost my old one in the latest attack.

From a real nice leader,

Dear Santa,

This will be somewhat embarrassing for me, but I must revise my Christmas list. I had initially wished that my little project show some fruit before Christmas. Now it appears it has.

Thank you Santa.

Washington D.C.

Dear Saint Nick,

I know we scratched you off our official list thirty years ago, but I at least haven’t forgotten about you.

All I want are the usual things: peace on earth, good will towards men, faith, love and understanding…

Oh, yes, and a taller hat.

Vatican City

Dear Santa Dude,

Thanks once again for the present you gave me a few years ago. It took me a few years to wear it out, but at least I ran this one through instead of the other way around.

Now, bro, what I need is new territory to conquer. I know how you got this guy Jesse his own state, and you know how much I hate being upstaged by him. So I’m setting my sights higher than him.

Now, if you could get Jesse to be governor of some no-name state, I know you can get me the White House. After all, I’m your number one elf!

Just think of it - me, slamming those politicians through the political mat, wrapping that budget around my pythons and squeezing all the pork out of it. I’d even get Janet Reno to get off your back about that antitrust nonsense. Jesse can’t hold a candle to that!

So, dude, if you can swing that little election bid for me, I’d be every grateful.

Your bro 4 life,
"’wood" Hogan
Venice Beach, CA

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