Asking
For A Friend In 2020
So one of the more annoying digs in social media is the
passive-aggressive “Asking for a friend” statement.
You know, when someone asks a question like “Hey 2020, can you just stop finding new ways to
torment us every month?”
And then they follow up with “You know... asking for a friend.”
Yeah, we know that you’re not “asking for a friend”. It’s like that equally passive-aggressive
meme that gets dropped that uses the manager from the movie
“Office Space” that ends every direction with “that’d be great.” Yeah... it gets
annoying after a while.
But, you know, I can understand why people do it. They want to get their point out there
without coming off like complete jackasses – to put it mildly – so they pretend
that they’re just relaying what someone else said. Where I would incorporate “let’s get brutally honest here...”
into my rants, they would rather pass things off on a hypothetical friend.
So I decided to drop a few of those passive-aggressive questions on a
variety of subjects. But... let’s get
brutally honest here... we all know that the only “friend” I’m asking for is
the one in the mirror. And, you know,
he’s more of a frenemy sometimes.
To all the people that throw child-in-Walmart tantrums when they’re told
to wear a mask... can you explain to the rest of the world how you don’t have a
problem with “no shirt, no shoes, no service” and have your kids go through
metal detectors in school and have you wait in long lines at the airport so you
can go through metal detectors and have your luggage randomly searched, but you
draw the line at putting on any kind of face covering? Asking for a friend.
To all the people that are piously whining about protesters against
police abuses that think those protesters are all welfare recipients, can you
keep your class warfare elitist attitudes to yourselves until this COVID
pandemic is done and all of the businesses are opened again before writing
people off as being “welfare recipients”?
Because it’s hard to tell who is really “on welfare” and who is waiting
for those unemployment checks and their “stimulus check” to even show up after
several months, never mind being able to work again. You know, asking for a friend.
Speaking of which, if you think that all protesters that protest in the
middle of the day are welfare recipients, can you explain to me how the
red-hats screaming at local politicians for cities and states to “open up” are
somehow on welfare? You know, the ones
that look like they’ve never missed a meal, never mind a rent payment. The ones that whine about not being able to
get their hair or their mani-pedi done.
And how are those red-hat protesters able to get firearms if they’re “on
welfare”? That always bothers me how
certain people on welfare have to jump over hurdles and have every purchase
they make micromanaged, but it doesn’t apply to certain other people getting
firearms or those who run businesses that still get welfare. Same friend asking.
To those of you who are having to spend your time at home during this
pandemic, can you please stop saying “I don’t know what day of the week it is, time has no
meaning”? You have a
computer, a smart TV, a smartphone, and even a smartwatch that tell you what
time it is and what day of the week it is.
If you know when reruns of “The Bachelor” and “Hell’s Kitchen” air, then
you certainly know what day of the week it is.
Asking for an annoyed friend.
To those of you that think that keeping statues and monuments of
Confederate soldiers is about “preserving history”, can you explain to me how
we still remember who the leader of Iraq was during Operation Desert Storm and
the Iraq War when we destroyed and tore down all of that leader’s statues? And how did we know who ran Germany during
World War II after we blew up all the statues and symbols of that group after
Germany surrendered? Asking for a friend
who is a student of history.
To Google and the admins of YouTube, can you please stop putting in
propaganda ads for a certain orange-skinned narcissist to articles and videos
are carry content critical of said orange-skinned narcissist? That’s like sandwiching a review for a Ford
F-150 with commercials for Toyota. Or
putting an article about Chick-Fil-A between two ads for Popeye’s Chicken. Asking for a friend sick of the propaganda.
To all the online businesses... if you have a sale running and the items
“on sale” are sold out, can you at least stop putting it “on sale”? If you have a refrigerator “on sale” and it
is “sold out”, it’s useless to say it’s “on sale” because you have nothing you
can sell, sale or no-sale. I can offer a
lot of things “on sale” that I don’t have, but if I do it, then it’s called
fraud. So wouldn’t that make what you
are doing a fraud as well? Asking for a
curious friend.
To the lifestyle news feed people, if you’re going to post an article
about an over-thirty celebrity or model looking great in a swimsuit, can you at
least show the image in question? Oh,
and wearing a cover-up over said swimwear doesn’t cut it. Also, can you please explain why this is even
worthy of a news feed? Asking for a male
friend sick of the needless crap.
To the online businesses that offer “rewards” programs... can you at
least make the rewards worth it? It’s a
little hard to put in the effort to rack up the points only to find there’s
nothing worth spending the points on.
Hundreds of dollars spent for a $5 gift card? A thousand points collected for a digital
wallpaper? What’s the use of doing it if
you have nothing worth me getting?
Asking for a friend that is a little pissed off.
Finally, to the bureaucrats and politicians that want to follow a certain
orange-skinned narcissist’s directive to open the schools and restart
professional sports regardless of the viral outbreak still going on, can you at
least not make such grandiose announcements on the same day that you’re posting
record levels of infections and deaths? At
this point, you’re pretty much the crew of the Titanic that spent their time as
the ship sank rearranging the deck chairs.
Asking for a friend sick of the death cult crap. You know, if you could, like, not be so eager
for people to get painfully sick and die... yeah, that’d be great.
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