Week of 01/25/2010

The Last Big Ultimate Mega-Crisis
– by David Matthews 2

It was a cloudy day in world of Directly Marvelous Comics. Even though the skies were blue and the sun was shining, storm clouds had been building all day for this once-great publishing empire.

“Thank you all for coming,” said the Editor-In-Chief. “As you all know, things have not been easy for our big DM brand ever since we were purchased by the mighty MegaGlom Incorporated. They set some pretty high bars for us to meet and unfortunately we’ve fallen short.”

The assembled employees began to mutter and groan. He wasn’t telling them anything they hadn’t already figured out themselves, but when he actually says it, it’s usually a prelude to some serious changes.

He started by turning to a group seated at the small table in front of him. “I’m sorry folks,” he said directly to them, “but I’m afraid we’re going to have to cancel Ican Dragon-Kid again.”

The team was shocked. “Ican Dragon-Kid” was a fan-favorite series. It had a steady following since the 1970’s. It wasn’t as popular as some of the big-brand titles, but it held its own through five different rewrites.

“I’m putting you in charge of our new brand title: Man-Demon Journals.”

They collectively groaned.

“Excuse me,” said the head writer at the table, “but how many titles must Man-Demon have anyway? Isn’t this the tenth title?”

“Eleventh,” the EIC said. “And besides this one will be special because it will tie in with the new Man-Demon movie that was green-lighted by MegaGlom.”

Another collective groan.

The EIC was surprised by the reaction. “What? What’s the matter with you people? This is BIG. This is HUGE!”

“This is also the fourth time we attempted to do a Man-Demon movie,” said the inker for Man-Demon New Beginnings. “The first one may have been a success but the last three sucked.”

“Yeah,” said the assistant writer for Man-Demon Crusades. “We actually had people suing to get their money back after the last movie.”

“Yeah, but this time is different,” insisted the EIC. “This time George will be directing.”

“That’s what they said the last time,” replied the illustrator for Man-Demon Infinity, “and we still ended up with that flake who treated it like it was a live-action Saturday morning cartoon.”

“And don’t forget the rubber chins!” someone else blurted from the back.

“And the cross-promotion for the breakfast cereal,” someone else blurted out.

“Enough!” said the EIC. “Listen, MegaGlom wants the Man-Demon movie, so that’s what we’re backing. I want to see cross-title promotions and references as soon as we get the final script.”

“It’s gonna suck!” said a voice in the far back.

“That’s enough!” the EIC said, obviously annoyed. “This isn’t some little publishing company anymore. This is the big leagues. This is a business, and we’re going to treat this as a business.”

He gave a sigh of frustration and then continued. “Speaking of the movie, MegaGlom has already decided they want to see Will Burt back as Man-Demon in time for the movie.”

That time he knew there would be protests about it.

“NO WAY!” “WHAT?” “You’ve gotta be kidding!”

“Look, I was just as surprised as you were about this,” said the EIC. “I know you all spent the past year getting the audience used to the idea that Will Burt was dead… again.”

“It’s more than that,” said the editor of Justa Lotta Infinity Heroes. “This is the third time we killed him off and we PROMISED the readers that this time would be the last one. We spent all this time getting them used to having Grey Dirtson as the new Man-Demon, and they’ve just accepted it, and now you’re saying…”

“I’m not saying this,” the EIC corrected. “MegaGlom wants this.”

“Now MEGAGLOM,” he continued, “is telling us to just scrap everything that we’ve done for the past year, go back on our word, and strip Grey of the horns and give them back to Will!”

“Look,” explained the EIC, “the VP in charge of our division has HUGE plans for Man-Demon. We’re not just talking movies; we’re talking direct-to-video productions. We’re talking video games. Online role-playing services. We’re talking children’s cartoon shows…”

That again drew groans and protests from the crowd.

“We spent the past two years getting Man-Demon out of the whole Saturday Morning Cartoon mindset!” exclaimed the inker of Man-Demon Infinity. “We lost a lot of readers with that tie-in with the fast food chain, not to mention the last two Man-Demon video games sucked!”

The EIC was not comfortable with how this was going. “Listen, can we just get back to the matter at hand? MegaGlom says Will Burt has to come back from the dead and be Man-Demon again. Our job is to make it happen. Any ideas?”

“Resurrection?” someone suggested.

“We did that in issue 500,” answered the editor for Man-Demon Adventures. “How about cloning?”

“We did that in our issue 200,” answered the writer for Man-Demon Legends. “You know, a hundred various clones of Man-Demon all thinking they were the original.”

“And we did the renegade clone idea in our issue 75,” said the artist for Justa Lotta Heroes Task Force. “Renegade clone was killed at the end of the story and then people found out he wasn’t the real Man-Demon.”

“Time travel?” someone else suggested. “Bring him back from the past.”

“I like it!” exclaimed the EIC. “Okay, how about… he didn’t really die the last time, he was abducted in the distant future the nanosecond before he died to fight some… future warlord dictator… and then he can come back and…”

“Man-Demon Annual number five,” said someone in the back.

The EIC threw up his arms. “Well, okay, I guess we’re going to have to have another mega-crisis.”

This time everyone in the room protested.

“What?” he asked.

The editor for Busty Warrior stood up. “Sir, are you crazy? We just finished the LAST mega-crisis a month ago, and we’re halfway through the CURRENT mega-crisis, which was supposed to be THE big ultimate super-mega-big-crisis.”

The EIC was confused. “Wait… you mean we’re still doing the Big Ultimate?”

Everyone turned to the harried man sitting by the window with a five-day-old beard and drinking his twentieth cup of coffee.

“I’m… a little stuck on the story,” he said.

“But Big Ultimate was supposed to have been finished last month!” the EIC said. “What issue are you on?”

“Four.”

“FOUR?” he said. “We were supposed to have published the finale by now! What’s holding you up?”

“You had me do those splinter stories,” the artist said. “You said MegaGlom wanted cross-title splinter stories, and everyone kept on calling me up for those, and I haven’t been able to reconcile those with the Big Ultimate story. Plus you had me do that re-write after the original plot got leaked to the Internet.”

The EIC struggled to get some order back in this mess. “Okay, first, I want all priority to go on finishing Big Ultimate Mega-Crisis. We need that out of the way before we can start with the next mega-crisis. We have to have Will Burt back as Man-Demon in the next mega-crisis in time for the movie. So how do we do that?”

“Zombies!” one person suggested.

That was met with more groans.

“We did zombies last year,” said the EIC. “Besides, the competition has ten monthly titles featuring zombies.”

“Another universe,” another person suggested.

“That was the LAST mega-crisis story,” the EIC said, “and we blew all those up at the end.”

“How about time-travelling gender-bending zombie clone gorillas from another dimension?” came a voice from the far wall of the room.

The voice belonged to Jack Stan, the last of the original creators and founders of Directly Marvelous Comics. He was also the guy who helped create most of the iconic characters. He had remained quiet until that point, but he knew he had to speak up.

The EIC knew that Jack had something to say. “Mister Stan, care to share your thoughts?”

The frail man in his seventies stood up. His hands shook as he made his way to the head of the room.

“I just think that you’re spending way too much time trying to appease corporate marketing executives than in actually telling a story,” he said in his soft tone.

“Look, I understand that this is a business. Myself and all the other guys who made up Directly Marvelous fifty years ago always knew going into this that we had to make a profit in what we did, but we did it by actually telling a story, not in continual cross-titled mega-crisis events.”

“Yeah, but you helped to write the original mega-crisis,” pointed out the artist for Big Ultimate Mega-Crisis. “You started the trend twenty years ago.”

“I helped create the first one,” Jack pointed out, “but none of us want it to be a trend. We had to because we needed to clear up some of the confusion that we had created over the years with various telling and re-telling of origin stories. We wanted to bring the stories back to their core elements.”

“Take Supremely Iconic Man. By the time we wrote the original mega-crisis story, he had been married five times, divorced three times, had his memories wiped ten times, gone insane, gone evil, went to prison, and even though he was supposed to be the last of his kind, there was a whole star system of people just like him. He was neither ‘Supreme’ or ‘Iconic’ anymore. He was just a man with a whole bunch of powers and a lot of issues.”

“How many times was Busty Warrior married off? How many times was she enslaved by the Gorgons? How many times did we change her costume and change her powers? How many times did we destroy the Energy-Tool Squad and then rebuild them? You know, the Justa Lotta Heroes team was supposed to be where all the big crisis stories were told featuring all the major characters. Instead it became a warehouse for heroes that were forgotten.”

“We wrote that original mega-crisis story to clear up all of that confusion and bring the characters back to what made them great in the first place. But we didn’t want this to be a regular event. Now you’re intermingling mega-crisis events on a continual basis, tying them into whatever merchandising comes up. I mean, let’s get brutally honest here… you’re creating endless crisis situations that not even soap opera writers put their characters through.”

“But these are fictional characters with superpowers,” pointed out the editor of Man-Demon Legends. “Isn’t this just a reflection of what they do? And besides, big mega-crisis stories SELL!”

That was when the EIC started to stammer. “Actually… no, they haven’t. Not lately. That’s why MegaGlom wants the huge tie-ins with merchandising.”

“You know, we had merchandising in the early years too,” Jack said. “Lunchboxes and squirt guns and balsa-wood fliers. We had a cartoon series and those big eight-inch dolls with the cloth outfits and the plastic boots. But there was always a difference between the series and what was going on outside of it. Although there was that special issue we did for that computer system that nobody bought…anyway, the point is we didn’t need gimmicks or not-so-special events to win our readers in the first place. We just told stories.”

The old and legendary creator flexed his arthritic hands. “Maybe I’m a bit old-fashioned… I’m just an old artist who can’t draw anymore… but maybe it would be better if you just lay off the mega-crisis events for a year and just work on stories. You may not make huge bucks, but you’ll at least bring in steady readers.”

Having said his peace, Jack gave his trademarked casual salute and slowly left the room, leaving the rest of the assembled writers and artists with something to seriously consider.

“Okay…” said the Editor-In-Chief after a long and uneasy pause. “Any ideas on how to bring Will Burt back as Man-Demon in time for the next movie?”

Week of 01/18/2010

Harry’s Ugly Date
– by David Matthews 2

Once upon a time on the campus of America University… there was a college student name Harry.

Harry was the president of the Alpha Delta Ka-Ch’ing fraternity. It wasn’t exactly a position that he earned, though. Like most things in his life, Harry sort of “fell into” this position. It gave him something to do, and it wasn’t like his frat brothers were too eager to shoulder the burdens anyway.

One day, Harry told his fraternity brothers that the Homecoming Dance was coming up, and Harry didn’t have a date. Harry really wasn’t that good in this department anyway. These things are usually just… handed to him.

This caused some concern for his frat brothers, because Alpha Delta Ka-Ch’ing always prided itself in making sure that EVERY fraternity brother was there… and there with a date! And this year, more than any other, they REALLY wanted to rub that detail into the faces of their rival fraternity, Gamma Omega Krappa, especially after they were caught in some compromising positions… including a few involving farm animals.

But BMOC Max reassured Harry and the other frat brothers that he’s got them covered on this. He’ll find Harry THE BEST date for the Homecoming Dance. Harry was relieved, and so were the other frat brothers. But it was Max and his friends that were the ones that were now worried. They certainly didn’t want to set Harry up with a looker, and at the same time they knew that nobody in their circle of friends were willing to be seen with Harry. He wasn’t really the “entertaining” kind of guy. Harry was the kind of guy that only his family could love.

Time goes by, and Harry starts to get a little worried. The Homecoming Dance WAS getting closer and closer. And the Gamma Omega Krappa boys were taking great pride in taunting and jeering Harry for his social awkwardness. They even began to spread nasty rumors about Harry and his shortcomings. Anything to make it less and less likely that Harry would have a date for the dance.

And that WOULD be a shame for the Alpha Beta Ka-Ch’ing fraternity, wouldn’t it? After all, the GOKs may be rude, crude, obnoxious, irredeemable, dishonorable, disrespectful, and guilty of taking too many liberties with people, places… and a few farm animals… but at least THEY all had no problems getting dates to the Homecoming Dance!

Well after so much hassle and hand-wringing, Max and his buddies managed to pull through and present Harry with his date to the Homecoming Dance. And they were so happy about pulling off that little coup! They were busy giving themselves high-fives and patting themselves on the back. They couldn’t WAIT to introduce Harry to his date.

So that night, at the Homecoming Dance, all eyes were waiting for the Fraternity President of Alpha Beta Ka-Ch’ing to show up, and they didn’t have to wait very long.

In walks Harry along with his date, and there is an absolute glow about Harry as he’s there with his date, which makes the situation even more surreal when you consider the woman that was hooked on his arm.

She was clearly an older woman. Nobody could ever mistake her for being under-21. She was also clearly on the heavy side, a detail that was only magnified by her choice of attire, which was a black tube top with bare midriff and a black miniskirt that was just a little bit too short. She had a hard ruddy face, with heavy makeup, ratty hair, and an overabundance of perfume. When she spoke, she had a gravely voice like she smoked fifty cigarettes a day. And it was clear when she spoke that she had very little education.

And yet Harry acted as though this woman, who resembled more of a veteran street walker than any hint of a college student, was the most beautiful woman in the world. He couldn’t help but crow about the fact that Max and his fellow frat brothers REALLY came through like they said they would.

Max, of course, was laughing in the other side of the dance hall with his frat brothers. They knew that Harry would make the best of anything he was given, and they couldn’t help but see it proven by getting someone at the last minute off-the-street.

But then later that night, Harry did something that even Max didn’t expect. Harry got up on stage before the announcement of the Homecoming King and Queen election. It seems that Harry, in his anticipation of having a date to the Homecoming Dance, had nominated himself and his date - listed as “to be named later” - for Homecoming King and Queen. But they weren’t listed on the ballots. To Harry, that was inexcusable.

So Harry took to the stage and demanded that he and his lovely date, Hope Faith Charity, be listed on the ballots before any voting took place. He also used the opportunity to speak out against all of the snickering and back-talking that he had been hearing during the dance about his date. Hope is a BEAUTIFUL woman, he declared, and she supposedly didn’t deserve the kind of treatment that these “enlightened students” of America University have been giving her.

Unfortunately the more he protested, the more he was ridiculed amongst the students, and his “lovely” date Hope certainly didn’t appreciate the kind of added attention being foisted on her. The GOK’s certainly were milking this self-destruction up for all that it was worth. And BMOC Max and his fellow Alpha Delta Ka-Ch’ing frat brother were suddenly regretting their choice.

It was certainly not a good evening for Alpha Delta Ka-Ch’ing, or for anyone associated with the fraternity. And although he would never admit to it… it wasn’t a good evening for Harry either.

The story, of course, parallels certain current events in Washington, but the overall message is the same no matter how you tell the tale.

Harry may choose to treat his ugly date as a godsend, but let’s get brutally honest here… that doesn’t mean that the rest of us have to equally swallow our pride and act as though his ugly date is the most beautiful woman in the world. In fact the more that Harry and his friends doth protest, the more that we will being to suspect that the real joke… is on us.

Week of 12/07/2009

The 2009 Brutally Honest Awards
– by David Matthews 2

It’s hard to imagine that another year has already passed, and yet here it is December already.

Lot of stuff to go over, so let’s get to it…

The Daniel Shays Award for 2009: Glenn “Blood Shooting From My Teary Eyes” Beck - Glenn Beck is probably the biggest fraud you can imagine. Limbaugh, Hannity, Dobbs, Savage… they won’t put on an act like he does. He cries on cue (with a little help from Vick’s Vapor Rub under the eyes), he uses visual aids, he stretches reality in a way that would make Baron Munchausen look like a rank amateur… PT Barnum once said that there’s a sucker born every minute, and now you know where Beck gets his audience from. And now he thinks he can organize rebellions and calls them “political rallies”. Well since Beck fancies himself a student of history, maybe he should look up the person for whom this award was named after to see what happened to people who pull that sort of stunt.

The Whisky Rebellion Award for 2009: Dick Armey and his Teabaggers - Dick Armey is NOT a political outsider. His group is NOT “grass-roots”. Dick Armey is a former member of Congress. His group is a professional PAC. It’s like bringing in an NFL team to a Pop Warner football game and trying to pass them off as a bunch of “really big 10-year olds”. They only thing they want to change is which political party is in charge of things in Washington.

The “Just Shut Up And Go Away” Award for 2009: Carrie “Hysteria Barbie” Prejean - She couldn’t get past the fact that she blew her chances at winning Miss USA. She has no real concept of the First Amendment. She blew the second chance that Donald Trump gave her and then couldn’t figure out why she was dropped on her bony ass. She thinks that intentionally violating the terms of her contract makes her a religious martyr. She’s a victim in her own mind and she feels it’s her quest to make everyone admit that. Oh, and ignore the topless modeling pictures and the sextapes that aren’t really sextapes even though they reportedly feature her doing something that falls in the category of a solo sextape. Tell you what, Carrie… we’ll forget about that part as long as we can also forget about everything else that involves you.

The “Just Shut Up And go Away” Runner-Up for 2009: Former Vice-President Dick Cheney - Someone needs to remind DICK that former Vice-Presidents that he has absolutely ZERO credibility critiquing the current White House occupants over how to deal with Afghanistan. We wouldn’t have to DEAL with this problem if HE didn’t help transition it into the Iraq War. The only time I ever want to hear from him ever again is when (or if) he’s being arraigned in the Hague.

You know, the hypocrisy coming from the cons and neo-cons is absolutely surreal. What’s next… a lesson on how to comply with special prosecutors from Scooter Libby? A lesson on ethics from Karl Rove? A lesson in spelling from Glenn Beck? A lesson on how to eat a pretzel from Bush Junior?

The Political Usurper Award for 2009: Rush Limbaugh - Whether they want to admit to it or not, the GOP leadership HAS been co-opted by Rush Limbaugh and his ilk and their supporters. They have allowed the listeners of those trained parrots to bully their way into dictating the direction of the GOP, and whether they realize it or not, it WILL be a detriment for them.

The Bill Frist Quack Award for 2009: Senator Max Baucus - Baucus is the guy spearheading the healthcare reform. He also gets millions in campaign contributions from the insurance companies, Big Pharma, and hospitals. So when asked to reform the whole healthcare system, who do you think he paid more attention to: the people who can’t afford healthcare who need a public option, or the rich insurance companies who think that everyone should be FORCED to get insurance whether they can afford it or not? Yeah I can think of at least four MILLION reasons why he’d side with the rich companies over his own constituents.

The Top Buzzwords in 2009 That Should Never Be Invoked EVER AGAIN With Healthcare Reform - “Opt-In”, “Opt-Out”, “Trigger”, “Robust”, and “Hammer”.

The Bay Of Pigs Award for 2009: Former Defense Secretary Donald “Zen Master” Rumsfeld - It turns out that we COULD have had Osama Bin Laden either in custody or in a body bag back in December of 2001. We knew where he was, we could have gone in and either taken him in or taken him down. All “Rummy” Rumsfeld had to do was say “Yes” to a request for reinforcements. Instead, he said “no”.

Do you understand the implications of this? We could have had this DONE AND OVER WITH by the end of 2001! We could have then focused ALL of our attention on Iraq instead of splitting our attention between two fronts.

All of those the lap-dog apologists of the Imperium who think they can criticize Obama’s recent decision to make a modest troop increase need to explain why we REFUSED to do everything it takes to bring Bin Laden to justice when we had the opportunity to.

The All-Time Quitter Award for 2009: Sarah “Caribou Barbie” Palin - That probably should be “Governor” Palin, but she actually up-and-quit her job. She wasn’t forced out, she wasn’t given a better offer, there was no embarrassing scandal, she just up-and-QUIT! And it wouldn’t be the only thing she up-and-quit this year either.

The Delusional Loons Of 2009 Award: Palin’s Defenders - I shudder to use the word “cult” when describing the people who have pretty much put Palin on an unrealistic pedestal, but it’s as close of a description can one can get. Palin gets the nomination and everyone thinks what a “great” choice was being made before anyone even knows who she is. Then she quits as governor, for no apparent reason other than she wants to make money on the tour circuit and book sales, her acolytes start crowing about how she’s now “unrestrained” and can “let loose”. And when asked about why they support her so, they start crowing about how she “represents things like freedom”. WTF!?!

It’s almost as though the followers were just programmed to have a “fill-in-the-blank” mindset for whomever is chosen, and then run on automatic. “Gumby is so perfect! He’s, like, green and rubbery and can bend back from any kind of movement.” “Lassie is just so perfect! She, like, represents everything that is good and decent in this country.” “It’s good that the can of beans quit, because now it can just let loose and do what it wants.”

And people question why Bill Maher thinks that Americans are stupid!

The Worst Political Tactic of 2009: Neo-Conservative Projection - Projection of one’s faults on others is considered to be one of the signs of narcissism, paranoia, and psychopathy. If you’re fat, you start accusing other people of being fat. If you’re claustrophobic, you start accusing others of being claustrophobic. And in the case of the neo-cons, if you’re afraid of being called a fascist or a Nazi, you start accusing your opponents of being either fascists or Nazis… or you can even accuse them of being both. Sure the two terms aren’t interchangeable, but don’t worry about it making sense, because neo-cons never make sense. Making sense could lead to even more dangerous things like… thinking.

The Lamest Excuse for 2009: “Hiking the Appalachian Trail” - Yes that was the excuse made by the staff of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to explain why the governor seemingly vanished off the face of the planet. He didn’t really vanish, he just flew to the Southern Hemisphere to stick his wick in his “soulmate”. And then after that kind of talk he thinks he can make it up to his WIFE? In one felled swoop he destroys the very mirage of heterosexual marriage, not to mention the supposed “only purpose” of human reproduction, and then he thinks he can make it up?

The “I Proved David 2 Was Right” Award for 2009: Renegade Senator Joseph Lieberman - It was this time last year that I warned people to NOT TRUST LIEBERMAN. Remember that? Remember when I said that Harry Reid was making a mistake caving to Lieberman? Sure enough, the year wasn’t even over with and he turned on the party he promised allegiance with!

Go ahead, naysayers… admit that I was right!

I won’t hold my breath, though.

The Most Incompetent Member of Congress for 2009: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid - For once, Speaker Nancy Pelosi didn’t even come close! Reid isn’t a leader. He’s a manager. He’s a wheeler-dealer who thinks that he can broker his way through each session instead of doing what needs to be done. If healthcare reform is shelved, you can blame him for letting it happen.

The “My Ego Is Bigger Than My Career” Award for 2009: Lou Dobbs - Once upon a time that would be “CNN’s Lou Dobbs”, but he’s not on CNN anymore… and he can thank his own ego for that. Lou’s ego became a detriment for his career. It wasn’t about “the issues” anymore. It was about HIM discussing “the issues”. The “Birther” issue wasn’t over with until HE determined it would be. The matter of immigration wasn’t how it was being addressed, it was about the fact that HE talked about it. And quite frankly, the only reason why he doesn’t HAVE a show on CNN any more is because HIS EGO wouldn’t let the show just be about the news.

The Biggest Political Non-Sequitur for 2009: “Jobless Recovery” - The Clinton Regime had “New Democrat”, the Bush Imperium had “Compassionate Conservativism”… and right now the Obama people have this BS notion that you can somehow spur an economic recovery while still have ONE-IN-FIVE Americans out of work. This is worse than the mini-recession of 2001 when real wages for most Americans did not go up. At least then it was a shell game. Here the White House is shoving hundred of billions of dollars to institutions without conditions and not even expecting it to produce the results needed - JOBS - to get us out of the Great Recession!

And finally…

The Brutally Honest Award for the Biggest Disappointment in 2009: The Obama Administration - This is an award that I DID NOT want to give, but let’s get brutally honest here… this administration has pretty much squandered a lot of the good faith that it was given in January. They underestimated the scope of the recession. They failed to deal with the issue of unemployment other than to provide a pittance of support to those still looking for work. They failed to corral the abuses of the banks and Wall Street. They failed to bring the lawbreakers in the Bush Imperium to justice. They failed to oversee the handling of healthcare reform in Congress and instead backed a failed plan by the most dubious of Senate leaders.

2009 started off on a high note for the Democrats, but if they are not careful and if they fail to address their faults now, next year will make this one seem like a fantasy.

Week of 11/30/2009

Draft WHO?

- by David Matthews 2

One of the really, REALLY, annoying things about politics of late is this perpetual drive to finish one campaign and begin work on the NEXT campaign, even if it is several years away.

After the 2006 Mid-term Election, the political machines were busy churning up candidates for the 2008 Election, and you had “destiny” candidates spinning up the hype that this would be THEIR campaign to lose.

Worse yet is when you have people who decide to “draft” a candidate into the running, especially someone you would think would be “perfect” but for one reason or another has decided to NOT run. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell was once considered a “draft” candidate back in the 2000 election, but he backed down.

Well it seems there is a NEW movement to “draft” someone for the 2012 Election, even though it’s not for another three years and even though nobody has actually DECLARED their candidacy yet.

So who would it be, you ask? Maybe someone wanted to give Secretary Powell another shot? Well, probably not in the current climate of the GOP. Powell may be willing to be the scapegoat for the Bush Imperium and the chickenhawk neo-cons, but they sure as hell wouldn’t want him anywhere NEAR a position of power over them.

How about one of the trained parrots of talk radio? Maybe the “godfather” of the GOP, Rush “Oxy” Limbaugh? Or perhaps Glenn “Blood Shooting From My Eyes” Beck? Or Lou “Ignore The Duck Season Sign” Dobbs? He’s certainly looking for employment now that he found himself separated from CNN.

Nope. Those aren’t the names being bantered about. The name being bantered about is CHENEY.

Liz Cheney, you ask? You know, the neo-con attack dog who has been doing everything possible to attack the current Democrat control of Washington?

No, wrong Cheney.

Think DICK!

Yes, DICK Cheney! As in the former Vice-President DICK Cheney. The senile old fart who thinks that the office of the Vice-President is accountable to NOBODY at all! The Wal-Mart Greeter-From-Hell whose favorite rebuttal is a request to do something that you are biologically not capable of doing.

There are people who are SERIOUSLY trying to get the former VP to run for the White House in 2012 (presuming they’re not convicted for trying to launch a coup d’etat first).

Why DICK, you wonder? Because he supposedly embodies everything about the GOP that they’re looking for.

And if you think about it… they have a point. He’s a senile old fart who shoots first and manipulates his victims into blaming themselves. He’s never served in the military but he thinks that he knows more about the soldiers on the ground than the soldiers themselves. He believes that he is immune from responsibility. He keeps everything secret, even his whereabouts, but still wants to know what EVERYONE ELSE is doing. If you really think about it… HE IS the GOP!

But, seriously… WHY?

First of all, remember the last time the cons and neo-cons actually managed to “draft” a candidate into the running? Remember former Senator Fred Thompson? You know, “Law and Order” and “Hunt for Red October” Fred Thompson? Remember how you guys thought he would be the IDEAL candidate in 2008? Yeah, that didn’t go so well, did it? His campaign folded faster than a Flat Tax proposal.

Second… doesn’t that come as a slam on your CURRENT so-called “front-runner” candidates? You know, folks like Sarah “Quitter” Palin, Mike “God’s Anointed” Huckabee, and Mitt “I’m really one of you” Romney. Don’t you think that bringing Grandpa Grumpy back from the old folk’s home is something of an INSULT for the wannabes, also-rans, and never-coulds already looking for that 2012 ticket? It would be one thing if Cheney ran in 2008. Then at least he could be seen as the heir apparent to the Bush Imperium. But not now. Not after taking a break.

Third… let’s get brutally honest here… it is WAY TOO EARLY to be discussing 2012 contenders right now.

The last campaign season was a drag on all of us, and that only lasted TWO years. TWO years full of demagoguery and hateful rhetoric and talks of assassinations and lynching and people getting all uppity because they were characterized as being backwater people who cling to God and guns. And you guys want to extend that to THREE YEARS? Or maybe even FOUR? Why not just go ahead and start grooming people for the 2016 ticket while you’re at it? Or maybe you’re already doing that…

How about you cons and neo-cons put away your little “Fantasy White House League” equipment for now and worry about the 2010 mid-term election? After all, the way that the GOP has been shooting itself in the foot (thanks in no small part to your efforts), there may not BE a party for you guys to hang your hat on by the time 2012 comes around.

Week of 11/23/2009

Life Is NOT A Privilege
– by David Matthews 2

Do you know what’s really repulsive? Someone who is intentionally arrogant and pompous.

It’s one thing to be that way unintentionally. To come off as arrogant and not know it. But when you’re that way and you know it, that’s when there’s trouble.

One of the reasons why the French Revolution was as violent as it was partly had to do with the pompous, self-righteous arrogance of the nobles. When the “Let them eat cake” quote was made public, it didn’t matter if Marie Antoinette said it or not, it didn’t matter if it was said in jest or if she was seriously as clueless as it implied, it was still scornful and pompous and arrogant, and it helped fuel the bitterness and the rage that already existed amongst those that were being forced to suffer simply so Ms. Antoinette and her elite friends could party all the time.

“Privilege” is an elitist term. It means that you didn’t really get where you are because of hard work or talent or skills or because you saved your money. You got it because someone else GAVE it to you. The power isn’t in YOUR hands, it’s in someone else’s.

“We serve at the privilege of the President.”

Sound familiar?

Well to a large extent, WE ALL serve at the “privilege” of someone else when we work for a living instead of working for ourselves. If you don’t own the business outright, then your job is at the “privilege” of other people.

There are a lot of things that are considered a “privilege” in our society. Driving is a privilege. Shopping is considered a privilege. Doing business is considered to be a privilege. How many times have you seen a sign that says “We reserve the right to not do business with you” or something to that effect?

But is LIFE ITSELF a privilege?

According to certain members of Congress and the insurance companies, it apparently does.

One of the key problems that healthcare reform tries to fix is people not having insurance coverage. That’s why this idea of a “public option” or a government-run or government-managed program keeps coming up. Because people have either been dropped from their insurance or because they cannot AFFORD to get insurance.

You see, in the minds of insurance companies, healthcare coverage is a PRIVILEGE. Not everyone can get coverage. They certainly don’t want to be stuck paying out money for people who are just going to get sick all the time, right? This is, after all, a form of legalized gambling, and NO gambler in their right mind ever wants to LOSE.

Now many states have been down this road before when it comes to other forms of insurance like car insurance and homeowners insurance. Some people couldn’t afford it. Others just chose not to get it. The government’s solution was simple: require everyone to have it.

You see, in the minds of our corrupt politicians, having a car or having a home is a PRIVILEGE… one that can be taken away at their leisure. You can’t afford insurance? Then you don’t get to drive a car, or you don’t get to own a home. It’s that simple in their corrupt little brains.

But what about healthcare?

No difference, according to our corrupt politicians. If not having it is a problem, then members of the U.S. Senate want to REQUIRE you to have it… OR ELSE!

This is the glorious plan of Senator Max Baucus of Montana, the chairman of the Senate Finance Committee and the guy who was spearheading the Senate side of the reform program. It should be noted that he’s considered the darling of healthcare companies, reportedly receiving millions in contributions from the insurance companies, pharmaceuticals, and health services, and they would obviously profit heavily from a government decree that would FORCE people to sign up for and pay for health insurance OR ELSE.

I want you to think about the sheer insanity of this idea. If part of the problem with healthcare coverage is that a segment of the populace cannot AFFORD to get healthcare coverage, how does REQUIRING they pay for it serve as a solution?

Make no mistake, this IS what people like Baucus want us to do. They want to FORCE US to enroll for healthcare insurance even if we cannot afford it! And if we do not or cannot afford it, we face FINES. In other words, we will lose even MORE MONEY that we did not have in the first place simply to appease the demented logic of those that have been bought and paid for by healthcare providers and insurance companies and Big Pharma!

It’s one thing to have a public option, a program that would be funded by the taxpayers. At least then there WOULD be coverage without that ever-prevalent THREAT OF FORCE.

And if you don’t think there isn’t that threat of force, ask yourself what happens after you refuse to pay a fine imposed by the government. You know those police chases you see on TV sometimes? What do they usually get stopped for in the first place? Things like unpaid traffic tickets.

Now when asked about this, supporters of this kind of demented logic justify it by falling back ON the car insurance example. Their rationality is that since they can FORCE drivers to get car insurance, they can FORCE the rest of us to get healthcare insurance.

But there is a HUGE difference between owning a car and getting healthcare insurance… and that is that you can always choose to NOT drive a car. If you don’t have coverage, you can choose to NOT DRIVE. But you CANNOT CHOSE TO NOT LIVE! Or at least you’re not supposed to… because that is called SUICIDE!

And yet let’s get brutally honest here… that is EXACTLY the kind of choice Baucus’ “masterpiece” plan called for! Sure there were SOME “hardship exceptions” that were offered, but the basic rule was that you HAD to get coverage, even if you couldn’t afford it… OR you would be fined, which would mean paying even MORE money that you don’t have in the first place… OR you just had to kill yourself. As disturbing as it may seem, and it is just that… there is no other way around that kind of thinking. It’s either pay money that you don’t have… or just kill yourself.

Worse yet, President Obama, in his joint-session address to Congress and the nation, actually SUPPORTED THE IDEA!

Now I would like to think that, much like his predecessor’s “16 words”, President Obama really doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I would like to think that he was simply reading the script that was put before him, and if he really put two brain cells together and put some thought into what he was saying, that he would realize the Machiavellian choice being proposed and would want to change his mind. I’d like to think that he’s smarter than this.

Thankfully… thankfully… there ARE people who saw what was going on and have put in a public option to balance things out. But unless this can be guaranteed by the time it reaches the President’s desk… presuming the whole thing even makes it THAT far… we would have to choose between continuing a bad situation or bringing in something that would make it much worse.

LIFE IS NOT A PRIVILEGE! The very arrogance of certain politicians, no matter the political affiliation, to operate as thought that simple statement was not true only serves to further justify the distrust we have for those who claim to be operating on our behalf.